am i the only one who looks at their retirement account and just feels like a fucking fraud because ive spent thirty years building this life that i never actually chose? i married jenny two weeks after graduation and it was just what you did back then we moved into this tiny place in the city and i stayed home with the kids while she climbed the ladder and i loved those kids i really did but man looking back i realize i went from my moms house to our house without ever even knowing who the hell i was on my own and now that the house is quiet and the kids are gone i just sit here in this expensive kitchen we paid way too much for and wonder what happened to the guy who wanted to see the world before he got tied down to a mortgage and a minivan it hits me hardest at night when the city is still loud outside and jenny is asleep next to me shes a good woman she really is and she worked her ass off to give us everything but sometimes i look at her and i dont see my wife i see the person who accidentally became my prison guard without even trying i remember being nineteen and her saying let's just do it let's get married now and i said okay because i was a kid and i didnt know any better and then boom three kids later and im fifty eight years old and i have never lived in an apartment by myself or paid a bill with my own goddamn money or even decided what i wanted for dinner without checking with four other people first and i feel like such a piece of shit for even thinking this way but i am just so tired of being the anchor when i never even learned how to swim anyone else ever feel like they missed the entire point of being young? i see these kids today in the city and they're out at bars at 1 am and they look messy and lost and i am so fucking jealous it hurts because i was never allowed to be lost i had to be the guy who made the lunches and kept the house running while we lived in this pressure cooker of a city where every month was a struggle to keep up with the neighbors and the private school tuitions and the goddamn property taxes and i just kept nodding and saying yeah honey we can do it while a part of me was screaming to just get in the car and drive until the gas ran out and see who i was when nobody was looking at me or needing something from me i tried to talk to my buddy mark about it the other day over a beer and he just laughed and said man you got it made your kids are successful and you’re about to retire and travel but he doesn’t get it because he had his wild years and i didn't i went straight from being a son to being a father and i skipped the part where you just get to be a person and now i’m looking at these brochures for cruises and european tours and i don’t even want to go because i’ll just be the same guy in a different country still holding her bags and still wondering what that nineteen year old kid would have done if he hadn’t been so fucking scared to say no to the life everyone expected him to have is it too late to even care at this point or should i just keep playing the part until the clock runs out because i feel like if i told her the truth it would break her heart and she doesn't deserve that but i also feel like i'm suffocating in this house we spent thirty years paying for and every time she talks about our legacy or what we’re leaving the grandkids i just want to scream because my legacy is just being a shadow in the background of everyone else's life and i don’t know how to start living for myself when i don’t even know what that looks like after all this time spent being exactly what i was told to be...