i don't even know if this counts as a confession really it just feels like something i gotta get out you know like a weird pressure behind my eyes all the time i guess maybe i'm just tired or something i’m a supervisor at this warehouse right it’s not what i always pictured myself doing i mean i went to art school for a bit before the money ran out and you know how that goes but gotta pay the bills gotta keep a roof over my head and a little extra for some supplies sometimes if i’m lucky it’s honest work though physical kinda keeps me grounded when my head goes all over the place which is often the crew man they’re good guys really salt of the earth you could say a lot of them from the same part of town or went to the same church or something they’re TIGHT like family and i’m the new guy kinda the boss but not really i mean i supervise but they know the ropes better than me sometimes that’s cool i learn stuff from them it’s just… different so a few months ago maybe six or seven now they started this thing a morning prayer circle before the shift starts like right there on the floor before the forklift engines rumble and the boxes start moving just a small group at first then it grew you know it’s voluntary they say but you feel it if you’re not there it’s like this invisible line you cross every morning when you walk past the huddle the first few times i just kinda skirted around it made my way to my station pretended i was super busy checking inventory or something but you feel their eyes you feel that quiet you know and then when you walk away there’s this awkward quiet after too like they paused for you to leave it’s not malicious i don’t think they’re not mean people just… different ways of seeing the world eventually i just started joining you know it’s easier that way easier than the sideways glances easier than the little silences when i walk into the breakroom it’s just a couple minutes usually hands clasped heads bowed sometimes someone will say something really deep about god’s grace or something and i just kinda nod along keep my face neutral like i’m really absorbing it i don't know if they can tell i’m just mimicking everyone else’s expressions it’s weird because my folks were never really into church much not against it just not for us i guess and i definitely ain’t so it feels like a total act every single morning like i’m playing a part in a play i never auditioned for and it’s a BIG part too it’s about like… salvation and stuff and here i am just trying to make sure the boxes get stacked right the weirdest part is sometimes when they’re talking about faith and all that stuff i kinda zone out and start thinking about my own stuff like how much i miss painting how i haven’t really sketched anything in months how maybe i should just pack it all in and try to make a go of it with my art again even though it’s stupid and probably wouldn’t work but at least then i’d be doing something REAL you know and then someone will say 'amen' and i snap back to it like oh right gotta say amen too i don’t know i don’t think it’s hurting anyone really just me maybe it’s just this dull ache like a low-grade fever that never breaks it’s not like i’m lying to them i’m just… participating it’s just a job right it’s just a way to keep things smooth i guess but sometimes i feel like i’m losing a piece of myself out there in that warehouse every morning folding myself into something smaller and smaller i don’t know what i want to hear or what i’m expecting from this just needed to type it out maybe it’s just the quiet of the night it always gets to me you know when everyone else is asleep and my head just goes and goes and goes...