you ever have those days where you just kinda *do* things without really thinking about the why you know? like you’re on autopilot and then suddenly you’re in too deep and it’s like... what am i even doing here. that’s me right now. it’s 2am and i just finished writing a literature review but my brain is still buzzing from earlier. so my mom. she’s retired now. teacher. and she has chronic back pain. really bad some days. but she spent all of saturday at my brother’s apartment. cleaning it. like deep cleaning. scrubbing baseboards. washing all his laundry. and then she cooked all his favorite meals. pasta. roast chicken. a whole damn dessert. i went over late afternoon to drop off some textbooks he needed and she was still going. she looked EXHAUSTED. pale. i asked her if she was okay and she just kinda waved it off "oh you know me always busy" with this kinda strained smile. and my brother? he was on his couch playing video games. didn’t even look up to say hi when i walked in. just mumbled something about needing to grind levels. i felt this weird surge of like… something. not anger exactly. just this dull ache in my chest. like an emotional dysregulation or something. and the thing is i didn’t say anything. i just helped her put the food in containers. made sure she had water. she kept saying "oh no it’s fine honey i like doing it for him" but her face told a different story. she kept wincing when she bent down. i offered to take her home and she was like "oh no his laundry needs to dry and i have to fold it." like she was obligated. and i left her there. i just... left. drove home. and now i’m thinking about it and it’s like. why does she do that. why does she give so much when she’s clearly in physical distress. is it codependency? a compulsion? or is it just what moms do. is that normal? i’m a grad student. always feeling the pressure. deadlines. applications. and i just spent my entire day off studying. but i feel this weird residual guilt. like i should have done more. should have stayed. should have *made* her leave. but how do you do that? how do you tell someone who’s convinced themselves they’re happy doing something clearly detrimental that they should stop. you can’t, right? you just watch. and it feels like a form of bystander effect. like i observed the distress but didn’t intervene. and now i’m just sitting here with this low-grade sense of dread about it all. about her. about him. about me. it’s like a generalized anxiety disorder just waiting to flare up. but over someone else’s choices. is that weird? is that a thing? i just keep replaying her face. that strained smile. and the way my brother just ignored her. it’s making my own back hurt just thinking about it. maybe it’s vicarious trauma. idk. just feels like i witnessed something i shouldn't have. and i can't shake it. i have a seminar tomorrow morning and i just know i'm gonna be thinking about this instead of kant. the whole damn time. it’s like an intrusive thought cycle. and i can't turn it off.