i hate it here sometimes more than sometimes it’s like a constant dull ache behind my eyes that sort of hums with the fluorescent lights when i’m on the floor with too many tables and the kitchen is backed up again and it’s always my fault somehow maybe not my fault directly but like the universe’s fault for putting me here in the first place i guess the other night i was carrying this massive tray of drinks for table five you know the kind that feels like it’s going to rip your shoulder out of its socket and all of a sudden there was this sharp sort of twist right in the middle of my chest like a knot tightening up really fast and it wasn’t pain exactly not like a cut or a bruise more like a warning shot i think just a quick little spasm and then it was gone but it left this cold weird taste in my mouth this metallic tang that made me want to spit it out or something i almost dropped the whole damn thing i swear all those margaritas on the floor and then what i’d have to pay for them probably and ever since then it’s like my whole body is just a ticking clock you know i’ve been checking my pulse on my wrist with my thumb pressing down a little too hard counting the beats imagining them slowing down or speeding up or just stopping entirely and i get mad at myself for it for even thinking about it for letting some stupid little muscle spasm ruin my whole week because i can’t afford to be sick i can’t afford to miss a shift i can’t afford a doctor’s visit what if it’s something real what if it’s just the stress finally getting its claws into my actual heart instead of just my head i mean i’m only twenty-five and it’s like my body is already giving up on me already shouting at me to slow down but how can i slow down when every single bill is due when rent is due next week when everything is just barely clinging on by a thread it’s like a cruel joke or something some kind of cosmic punchline i just don’t get yet but i know it’s coming