i'm in this ridiculously high-end branding agency meeting right now like literally in it pretending to doodle on a notepad but really my hands are shaking a bit under the table and i feel like i could just melt into the carpet you know that feeling when you're just absolutely certain everyone around you is about to figure out you're a complete fraud like any second now someone's going to point a finger and say "wait a minute YOU don't actually know what you're talking about do you" i taught myself everything about design right like youtube tutorials skillshare free courses a lot of trial and error and i got really good at it i have a great portfolio i’ve done some amazing projects but i never went to art school i never learned all the official theory the history the design principles that everyone else here probably got drilled into them for four years i'm sitting here listening to them throw around terms like 'semiotics of brand identity' and 'post-modern deconstruction of visual narratives' and i just nod along trying to look thoughtful while inside my brain is screaming WHAT IS THAT ARE WE DOING SOMETHING WRONG AM I ABOUT TO BE EXPOSED i just keep thinking if they ask me to explain the philosophical underpinnings of my kerning choices i'm going to actually weep it's so bizarre because i'm 68 years old a literal student again and i thought this kind of imposter syndrome stuff would have just faded away by now i thought by this point in my life i'd be beyond caring what people think but no here i am in a room full of people young enough to be my grandchildren feeling like a kid who's about to get caught playing hooky from school and it’s not just the agency it’s my classes too i'm studying art history now and every essay i write every discussion i participate in i feel this immense pressure to prove i belong to prove i'm not just some old lady trying to relive her youth i actually understand the concepts i really do but the fear of being found out it’s just always there lurking right behind every confident smile every articulate sentence i manage to string together it's just exhausting honestly like can i just enjoy this without feeling like the sword of damocles is perpetually hanging over my head