I’m sitting here on the floor bc the bed feels too big and quiet and honestly i think i’m a piece of trash. Its like 2 in the morning and my eyes burn from staring at my phone all day trying to pick up shifts for that delivery app i use—u know the one where u have to click fast or u don't eat. I’m 17 and I’m supposed to be thinking about graduation or whatever but instead I’m just trying to pay the rent for this place we moved into when we thought we had forever. It’s been three months since the funeral. Three months since she stopped breathing and I became a widower before I could even legally buy a beer. I had the TV on just for the noise. Usually I put on those 10 hour loops of rain or white noise so I don't have to hear the neighbors fighting or the sound of my own brain screaming at me. But tonight I clicked on this old sitcom—the one with the laugh track that sounds like ghosts cheering. And this guy on the screen did this stupid face, like he tripped over a dog or something, and I just... I laughed. Like a real laugh. A loud one that came out of my throat before I could stop it. It echoed in this empty apartment and it sounded like a gunshot. reasons why i’m the worst person on earth rn: 1. she hasn't been in the ground for even a hundred days yet 2. I’m supposed to be mourning not watching reruns 3. the last time she laughed it was bcos i made a stupid joke in the hospital and now i’m laughing at some actor who gets paid millions 4. i forgot she was gone for like 2 seconds and those 2 seconds feel like i stabbed her 5. i’m actually pathetic lol The silence after the laugh was way worse than the silence before it. I just sat there staring at the screen and felt this heavy wave of shame just wash over me. Like my stomach did a flip and I wanted to throw up. How am I allowed to find anything funny when she’s not here to see it? We used to watch this show together and we’d quote the lines and she had this way of crinkling her nose when she giggled. Now she’s just... gone. And here I am, still breathing, still eating cheap ramen, still laughing at dumb jokes. It feels like I’m cheating on her memory or something. Like if I’m happy for even a second, it means I didn’t love her enough. I spent the next hour just scrolling through my phone, trying to find a job to bid on. I do these little data entry gigs and sometimes I help people move stuff if I can get a ride. It’s a total hustle and I’m exhausted but I can’t sleep anyway. My hands were shaking while I was typing and I kept thinking about how she’d tell me to chill out. But she isn't here to tell me anything. She’s just a photo on my lock screen that I can’t look at for too long without crying. So I just stay busy. I work until my eyes bleed and then I watch TV until I fall asleep on the floor. Everything feels so enormous and I’m just this small kid in a giant suit of grief that doesn’t fit right. I keep thinking about how unfair it is. Other kids my age are complaining about homework or who likes who at school and I’m out here worrying about how to pay for a headstone and if it’s okay to eat a sandwich. I feel like an old man trapped in a teenager's body. A tired, broke old man who just betrayed his wife bc a guy on TV made a funny face. It’s almost funny if u think about it... like, the universe really went out of its way to mess with me today. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t stop thinking about the sound of my own voice laughing. It felt so WRONG. Like i was a glitch in the world. I should be crying. I should be staring at the wall. I shouldn't be capable of feeling anything besides that raw, ripping feeling in my chest. If I’m not suffering every single second, does that mean I’m forgetting her? The thought of forgetting her is scarier than the thought of being alone forever.