You know that thing where someone you’ve known your entire life, like the person who shaped your entire existence, has been gone for years already but their body is still there you know just existing And you visit and you try to connect but it’s just… empty and you find yourself doing that corporate smile you perfected back when you had to pretend to be thrilled about some reorganization or a new initiative from corporate that was clearly a terrible idea but you had to play along and pretend it was BRILLIANT That’s what it was like this past decade really just going through the motions checking that box on the performance review like yep visited the parent did the dutiful daughter thing made sure they were comfortable and fed and all that stuff And you know sometimes you feel like a terrible person for even thinking this but there's a part of you that’s just waiting like waiting for the inevitable waiting for the call waiting for that final notification and you steel yourself for it but then when it actually comes it’s like… a relief Yeah I said it relief Because it’s not really them anymore is it It’s like a shell a memory of what used to be and you’re just there watching it fade you know and it’s painful in a way that’s hard to describe to someone who hasn’t been through it like a slow agonizing goodbye that stretches out over years and years So tonight I got the call and I went down there and it was peaceful like they said just quiet and still and I stood there in the hallway just a minute after the nurse left after I’d done the thing you know the final goodbyes the quiet tears that aren’t really for the person who just left but for the person who left a long time ago And I took this deep breath this really deep breath and it was like letting out something I’d been holding onto for ten years just this tight knot in my chest that finally finally loosened and you know what I felt Absolutely nothing but a profound sense of… quiet It’s like when a really drawn-out project finally wraps up and you’ve put in all the hours all the late nights all the emotional investment and then it’s just DONE and you’re supposed to feel some grand sense of accomplishment or sadness or something but you just feel this weary emptiness No fireworks no dramatic weeping just this… quiet and you wonder if that makes you a monster or if it just makes you human after a decade of watching someone you love disappear piece by piece right in front of your eyes And now it’s just this you know this new quiet and I guess I’ll figure out what to do with it eventually but right now it’s just… here like the end of a very very long shift and I’m just tired incredibly tired