You know that feeling when you just… ugh. Like your body isn’t even *yours* anymore? Sometimes I just wanna crawl out of my skin. It started after the baby, obviously. Everyone says it’s normal, like, ‘oh your body went through a lot!’ but it’s not just the stretch marks or the extra jiggly bits, it’s… everything. The texture, you know? Like my stomach feels different when I touch it, all soft and squishy in places it wasn’t before. And it’s not even that I was, like, super skinny before or whatever, but it was *my* body. And now it feels like a rental, like someone else lived in it and messed it up and now I gotta deal with the security deposit. It sounds stupid when I type it out, but it’s real. It’s how I feel. And it’s worse cause of him. My dude. He tries to be sweet, he really does. Like, he’ll reach for me in bed and I just… tense up. Immediately. My whole body just goes stiff. I try not to, I really do, cause I know he misses it, and I miss *him* missing it, if that makes sense? But then he touches my stomach and it’s just… NO. It’s like a jump scare. I literally flinch. And I try to play it off like I’m sleepy or something, like, ‘aww baby I’m tired,’ or I’ll roll over and pretend to be asleep. It’s getting harder though. He’s noticed. I can tell. He asked me the other day, like, ‘is everything okay? You seem… distant.’ And I just mumbled something about being stressed with the baby and the gigs. Which is true, kinda. I mean, the gigs are kicking my ass. All those little side hustle things, trying to make enough for rent and diapers, it’s a lot. But it’s not *just* that. It’s mostly this. This feeling of… not wanting to be touched. Like my body is just for growing and feeding a baby now. And I love my baby, like, SO much. She’s the best. But I miss feeling… pretty? Or just normal. My old normal. I look in the mirror sometimes, just me, after a shower, and I just wanna cry. It’s not just the loose skin, it’s the shape of it all. It’s like a deflated balloon or something. I mean I don’t even— whatever. It’s just gross to me. And I know he says I’m beautiful and all that, and I know he means it, but he didn’t have to live in this body for nine months and then have it just… change. Forever. How am I supposed to want him to touch me when I don’t even wanna touch myself? It feels like a secret, this whole thing. Like if I told him how much I hate my body now, he’d hate it too. And then what? I don’t even know. I just wish it would go away. Or go back. Either one.