i just need to get this out somewhere bc who else am i gonna tell right. this is probably stupid but whatever. it’s 2 am and i’m just like staring at the ceiling and everything just feels… empty. i mean for years it was just nonstop right? kids kids kids. always something. always someone needing something. and i loved it. i really did. that was my thing. being mom. being the one who knew where all the socks were and what everyone needed for lunch and if someone had a fever or a bad day. that was me. and then last week. last week was it. my youngest. maya. moved into her dorm. out of state. like far far away. and i helped her set up her room all cute and we bought a bunch of those stupid little fairy lights she wanted and her roommate seemed nice enough. and i tried to act all strong and cool and like “you got this honey” but inside i was just like a wreck. holding it all in. and then she hugged me. and it was just… different. like she was already gone. a little bit of her gone already. and i drove home. in the quiet. no music. just the hum of the car. and i got back to the house. and it was still quiet. and i went into her room. and it was so clean. not a single sock on the floor. no half-eaten snack. no clothes pile. just… neat. and i just stood there for a long time. and i didn't know what to do. it’s like my hands didn't know what to do. usually i’d be like picking up stuff or folding or making a list for tomorrow. but there was nothing. and that night… well that night i ordered a pizza. just for myself. and watched some dumb show. and i almost called her. like a million times. just to see if she was okay. or if she forgot her toothbrush. or just to hear her voice. but i didn’t. bc i told myself she needs to do this. she needs to be independent. and i need to be strong. for her. but really it was for me too i think. the next morning i woke up and it was still quiet. and usually i’d be rushing. getting breakfast ready. yelling about someone missing the bus. but nope. just quiet. and i went to the kitchen and made myself a cup of tea. and i sat at the table. and i just looked around. and it felt… like a museum. like everything was perfectly preserved. but nobody lived here anymore. like i was a guest in my own house. and then later that day i saw an ad for some community college. like just scrolling on my phone. and i dont even know why but i clicked it. and i saw they had like art history classes. and i used to love that stuff in high school. before kids. before all this. and i just… applied. like right there. without thinking. without telling anyone. it was so impulsive. so not me. now i’m like totally drowning in readings. and i have a paper due next week on rococo vs baroque and it’s like. my brain feels like mush. i haven’t had to think about anything like this in so long. and there are all these younger kids in my class. like early twenties. and they’re so… fast. so confident. and i feel like this old lady. trying to keep up. trying not to sound stupid when i talk. and i know it’s not a bad thing right. like this is supposed to be a good thing. a new chapter or whatever. everyone says that. my husband says i should "find myself" now. but it’s like… who is that? who am i without the kids? i honestly don't know. it’s like i lost the instructions manual to myself. and i’m just fumbling around. and the silence is so LOUD sometimes. it just echos in my head. and i just miss the chaos. i miss being needed. i really really do. and i feel so guilty even thinking that. but it's true.