I'm retired now and it's… quiet and I thought it would be good, you know, after all those years on my feet and the heat and the shouting and the rush, but it's not good. it's just empty. and I miss the rush and I miss the noise and I miss the smell of the kitchen but I don't miss the pain. and that's the thing, that's the real thing, the secret I kept for so long. because for the last few years, really the last five or six, my hands were just AWFUL. and it started small, just a little ache after a long shift, but then it was all the time. and it would get worse when I was chopping, just this deep, burning throb in my wrists and my fingers, and I'd have to stop and shake them out and try to hide it from the sous chefs, because you can't show weakness in that kitchen, you just can't. and then it got to the point where plating was agony, every delicate sprig of herbs, every tiny drizzle of sauce, it was just torture. and I'd have to brace myself, grit my teeth, and just push through it, and sometimes I'd shake so bad I'd drop things and pretend it was an accident and blame someone else, and I feel BAD about that. I really do. because I know it wasn't fair but I was so scared, so scared of losing it all, of not being the chef anymore, because that's all I've ever been. and my whole identity, my whole life was in that kitchen and those menus and those awards, and what would I be without it? just some old guy with messed up hands, and I couldn't face that. so I kept it a secret and I worked harder and I pushed through the pain and I put on a brave face every single day, and now it's over and I don't have to pretend anymore but I still don't know who I am. and my hands still ache sometimes, even when I'm just making toast, like they're remembering all the years of abuse, and I look at them and I wonder if I did the right thing by sticking it out so long. and I wonder if I should have said something, asked for help, but then what? what would I have done? and now the days just stretch out, one after another, and I don't have a purpose and the silence is LOUD and I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.