i had to like just walk away from the site today you know like straight up ghost it was this residential job all new builds kinda fancy but still just bricks and mortar right and it was hot SO humid the kind of air that just sits on you like a wet blanket and i was lifting these big flat stones for a patio part of a retaining wall thing and my hands they just—they started shaking that aint right man my grip just went and for a second i thought i was gonna drop the whole damn thing right on my foot or worse just collapse it all and mess up the whole stack in front of everyone and the thing is i’ve been doing this since i was like what 19 20 something and i’m past 50 now you know a veteran like thats what they call me the old man the guy who knows his way around a trowel and a mixer and for that to just happen like out of nowhere i just froze i just stopped and pretended to look at the plans like really intently just staring at a blueprint i probably couldnt even see and then i just walked away i told jimmy i was going to get something from the truck but i just kept walking i just drove until i was nowhere near that place and now im sitting here in my car its like 2 am now and i cant stop thinking about it that feeling that sudden WEAKNESS like my body just gave up on me i dont even know what to do i have all these papers due for my classes i'm trying to get that architecture degree you know finally do something different but like what if i cant even do this anymore what if i cant do anything i feel so stupid even writing this down but like my hands they still feel kinda numb kinda tingly like that moment is just stuck there and i just keep seeing those stones just slipping just falling and i cant tell anyone this not my profs not the guys on site not my kids they’d just worry or worse they’d just like look at me different you know and i just dont know what to do im so tired from all the school stuff the late nights the early mornings trying to prove i can still learn this new stuff while still doing the old stuff that pays the bills and this happening today it just feels like the universe is trying to tell me something really dark really final and i dont wanna hear it man i just dont wanna hear it