you know that feeling when you've planned out your whole campaign and then command just… changes the objective with no warning it’s like that but for your whole life after a certain age I mean you spend decades with the daily rhythm of children in the house the noise the demands the constant… purpose and then one day they just stop being there i'm 55 now a few years divorced the kids are grown they have their own lives their own families they visit for holidays of course Christmas Thanksgiving Easter that’s when the house hums again with laughter and shouting and spilled juice and the sheer chaos you used to dread but now you crave you absolutely crave it and then they leave and the silence… it’s not peaceful not really not the kind of quiet you earn after a long day it’s more like a vacuum a sudden decompression where all the sound has been sucked out leaving you just… floating you know you find yourself on a Saturday morning staring at a list of chores that used to take all day but now you can knock them out in an hour maybe two tops and then what the afternoon stretches out before you an empty parade ground just waiting for inspection and there’s no one to inspect no one to impress no one to… be there for and you think about calling them but you don’t want to be a burden you don’t want to seem like you can’t manage you’re not a recruit anymore you’re supposed to be a seasoned officer a lone wolf operating independently but sometimes god sometimes that wolf just wants to howl i tried pottery class once thought maybe a new skill a creative outlet you know but it felt like… busywork like I was just going through the motions to avoid being alone with my own thoughts the wheel spun and the clay turned but my mind kept drifting to memories of sticky fingers on the kitchen counter or the sound of a video game from the living room or that time my son broke his arm falling out of a tree and the absolute TERROR of it all and how much I’d give to feel that kind of vital fear again even for a moment because it meant they were here they were present they needed me it’s a strange thing this adjustment this demobilization from motherhood I suppose it’s a form of post-traumatic stress in its own way you just have to adapt don’t you you always have to adapt but it’s hard sometimes it’s just really damn hard