i’m 42 and i feel like i’m constantly running on fumes like literally all the time and i don’t know if this is just what it is now or if i should actually be worried. i work full-time obviously because single parent life isn't exactly a choose-your-own-adventure where the choices are like 'early retirement' or 'trust fund baby' — no it's 'work until you drop' and then pick up the kid from school. my son is great he’s 8 and honestly he’s the reason i get out of bed every morning but sometimes i just want to stay there. sometimes i do stay there until the absolute last minute possible before i have to literally hurl myself into the day. i used to be able to like, do things after work. even just grocery shopping felt like an accomplishment now it's like a Herculean feat just to make dinner without collapsing onto the kitchen floor. i see other parents at school pick up and they look... not exactly vibrant but at least not like they just wrestled a bear and lost. am i just a whiner? is this what 42 looks like when you’re doing it all alone and then there’s the whole perimenopause thing which my doctor just shrugs about like it’s a funny little joke but let me tell you my body is NOT laughing. it’s like my hormones are playing a very aggressive game of musical chairs and i'm the one who keeps getting smacked in the face. hot flashes that come out of nowhere and leave me drenched then shivering. brain fog so thick i forget what i’m saying mid-sentence which is GREAT when you’re trying to sound competent at work. my periods are completely insane now like a horror movie every month. and the weight gain— don’t even get me started. i look in the mirror and i don’t even recognize myself anymore it’s like i’m slowly disappearing and reappearing as someone entirely different and i don't know who she is and i definitely didn’t ask for this makeover. sometimes i just want to scream at strangers who look at me like i’m invisible. or like i’m just tired. yeah no shit i’m tired. but it’s more than that it feels... deeper. like a bone-deep exhaustion that sleep doesn’t even touch i remember my grandmother saying something once about how women just get used up after a certain age and i always thought that was a sad old-fashioned idea but honestly i’m starting to get it. i used to have energy for hobbies even just reading a book for more than ten minutes without falling asleep. now the highlight of my evening is usually just staring blankly at the tv while my son is finally asleep. i worry about what if it’s something else what if i’m ignoring a symptom of something serious but then i think no it’s just me being dramatic it’s just being 42 and a single parent. but the thought still creeps in late at night when everything is quiet and i’m just lying there wide awake despite being utterly drained. is this really all there is for the next twenty years? because if it is... well. i dont know. it's just a lot.