i feel really dumb typing this out it’s like 2am and i probably shouldn’t even be up but i can’t sleep again and my brain is just going a million miles an hour and i just kinda wanna know if this is like… normal or if i’m just broken or something. like i know i’m 42 and i got a kid still in high school and my parents are getting older so yeah life is busy right everyone says that but sometimes i feel like i just can’t BREATHE. today was just one of those days. woke up at 5:30 before the alarm even went off because my back hurt and i was already thinking about all the stuff i had to do. got the kid off to school, made sure he had his lunch and his project and all that. then it was a full day at work, back to back meetings about some new client pitch that nobody really understands and im supposed to be leading it all. my boss brenda kept asking me if i was okay because i guess i looked kinda… grey? i just told her i was fine just tired from a late night with my son’s homework but really i just wanted to curl up under my desk and sleep for like a year. then after work i had to pick up my mom from her doctor’s appointment which is like an hour round trip out of my way but she can’t drive anymore after her hip surgery last year so of course i said yes. and she spent the whole ride complaining about the doctor and how the receptionist gave her a dirty look and honestly i just wanted to scream. like i get it mom you’re having a hard time but can we just have ONE quiet ride. just one. got home around 6:30, made dinner, helped my son with his college applications which is a whole other stress factory i swear. then i finally sat down on the couch at like 9 and i just… crashed. like my eyes were open but i wasn’t really seeing anything. just kinda staring at the wall. the tv was on but i couldn’t even tell you what was playing. my son asked me a question about something and i just kinda grunted at him. i felt so bad afterwards. he just looked at me and went ‘nevermind mom’ and went to his room. and it’s not just today. it’s all the time. i used to love going for walks or reading or even just watching a dumb movie but now i just don’t have the energy. like i think about doing something fun and my body just says NOPE. every single cell in my body feels heavy. even talking feels like too much effort sometimes. i used to be able to pull all-nighters when i was younger for work or whatever and bounce back no problem. now if i get less than 7 hours i feel like a zombie for two days. i tried drinking more coffee but that just makes my stomach hurt. i tried going to bed earlier but then i just lie there awake like i am now. is this what 40-something is? like this constant state of exhaustion? everyone says oh you’re just busy you’re a single mom of course you’re tired but this feels different. it’s like a deep-down tired that sleep doesn’t fix. it’s like my bones are tired. does that make any sense? probably not. i’m even starting to worry about my performance at work. brenda asked me about the client pitch again today and i completely blanked on some detail i was supposed to remember. i had to pretend i was just checking my notes but really my brain just shut down. what if i mess up? what if i lose my job? then what would we do. i keep thinking maybe i should go to the doctor but then what do i say? 'hi i’m really really tired'? they’ll just tell me to eat better and exercise and get more sleep which i can’t do anyway because i’m too tired to exercise and i can’t sleep and i’m too tired to cook healthy meals. it feels like a stupid thing to even bring up. like it’s not a real problem. but it feels real to me. it feels like i’m shrinking. like the edges of me are getting fuzzier and i’m just fading away. and i don’t know what to do about it. i just want to feel like me again. or like a version of me that can actually get through a day without wanting to cry in the breakroom. is that too much to ask. probably. this is stupid.