i am literally standing in the starting corral right now and i think im gonna throw up on my shoes like actually. my hands are shaking so bad i can barely type but i had to put this somewhere bc if i tell anyone here theyll just say its pre-race jitters or some other optimistic garbage. its 6am and the sun isnt even fully up yet and its freezing but i am sweating through my technical tee already. i look at all these people around me with their fancy gels and their expensive watches and i feel like such a fraud. i mean i don't even — whatever. i shouldn't be here. the worst part is the link. that stupid gofundme link i posted everywhere for the children's hospital. my professors donated. my whole lab group donated. even my TA who i think hates me gave twenty bucks and now i have like three thousand dollars of other peoples money hanging over my head like a guillotine. if i dont finish this race i basically stole from sick kids right? thats how it feels. i can see their names on the donor list in my head every time my hip twinges and it twinges ALOT lately bc i barely trained enough while trying to finish that 30 page thesis draft. i tried to be that person who has it all you know? the student athlete aesthetic but like for people who arent actually athletes. its all so performative. i posted the sunrise run pics but i didnt post that i stopped to cry at mile four last week because my shins felt like they were splintering into toothpicks. i kept up the facade bc i needed the clout or the purpose or something to distract me from the fact that i have NO IDEA what im doing after graduation. my future is a blank wall and this marathon was supposed to be the one thing i could actually control. my stomach just did a literal somersault. there is this guy next to me doing these aggressive calf stretches and he looks so focused and i just want to sit on the pavement and disappear. what if i hit the wall at mile 18 and i have to call my mom to pick me up while everyone is posting their medals on ig? i can already hear the at least you tried comments and they feel like acid. i dont want people to be nice to me i want to be GOOD at things. i want to not be a disappointment for once in my life but my body feels like it’s made of lead and anxiety. the announcer is talking now something about the challenge of a lifetime and digging deep and honestly i just want a bagel and to sleep for ten years. i keep checking my phone to see if anyone else commented on the fundraiser and there’s a new notification from my aunt saying so proud of you honey! and i want to smash the screen. i’m not a runner. i’m a tired grad student who lied to themselves and three hundred donors. i'm a literal scam artist in spandex. i think the wave is moving. i can hear the beeps of the timing mats starting up and my heart is hitting my ribs so hard it hurts. maybe if i just start running the nausea will go away or maybe i’ll just pass out in front of the local news cameras and that’ll be my legacy. i’m so scared. i’m actually terrified that this is where everyone finally sees that i cant finish anything i start. okay here we go. i guess.