i just crossed the line... the clock said a number i never thought i would see... my fastest ever... my personal best... people were screaming and there was all this music playing loud... i did it... i really did the thing i said i was gonna do... but it felt like nothing... just like a big blank space where the happy stuff was supposed to be... i stood there for a second and then someone put a medal on me... it felt so heavy and cold and i just wanted to take it off bc it felt like i stole it or something... like i didnt really earn it even though my legs are shaking so bad i can barely stand up... idk why i am like this... i should be happy... i should be calling people to tell them now im sitting in this cooling tent... it smells like sweat and that orange drink and dirt... i got the silver shiny blanket on my shoulders and it keeps making that loud crinkly noise every time i move... i see other people around me and they are crying and hugging and looking so proud... and im just sitting here on a folding chair wondering if i left the stove on... but i know i didnt... its just the thing my brain does to keep me from thinking about the other stuff... the stuff with my dad and the way he looked at me last week when he couldnt remember my name... he just called me "the boy" and asked if i was there to fix the sink... im 50 years old and im a student again and i still feel like i am failing some test i didnt even study for i think about school a lot when i run... sitting in those desks with people who have smooth skin and no mortgages... they look at me like i am some kind of glitch in the room... like why is this old guy here trying to learn this stuff now... and i tell myself i am doing it for me... for my future... but then i finish a race like this and i get the best time of my life and i still feel like that same kid who got cut from the team in junior high... i thought if i could just be fast enough... or smart enough... or just do that one thing right... that the feeling of being a total mistake would go away... but it just sits there... like a big rock in my shoe that i cant get out no matter how many miles i go the situation at home is just... its a lot... my kids are gone and they are doing their own things and they only text me when they need money or when it is a holiday... they dont know i am here today... i didnt tell them bc i didnt want to have to explain why i am doing this... how do you explain to your grown daughter that you are running 26 miles bc you are SCARED of getting old and useless... she would just think i am having a crisis or something... maybe i am... maybe this whole school thing and the running and the way i keep checking my pulse is just me trying to outrun the fact that i am eventually gonna be like my dad... just a guy in a chair who doesnt know his own house someone just came by and asked if i was okay... a volunteer with a headset... i just nodded and hid my face in the water bottle... i dont want them to see me like this... i am supposed to be the one who has it all figured out... the established adult... the guy who goes back to school and does the hard work... but i feel like a fraud... i am sitting here with a personal best and i feel like i just lost everything... i look at the time on my watch and i want to smash it bc it doesnt mean anything... it didnt change the way my mom sounds on the phone when she starts crying bc she cant find her glasses... it didnt make me feel like i belong in that classroom with those kids who think the world is just waiting for them to show up i keep thinking about that one moment at mile 22... when everything hurt so bad i thought i was gonna vomit... i liked that part better than the finish... bc when it hurts that much you cant think about the bills or the exams or the way the house is too quiet at night... you just think about the next step... and the next one... and the one after that... but now the running is over and the quiet is coming back and it is LOUD... it is so loud in my head right now... i have that big project due on monday and i havent even started bc i was too busy training for this... for what... for a piece of metal and a plastic cup of water... it feels like i am just wasting time while the clock runs out on the important things i see the people leaving the tent now... they are walking slow and leaning on each other... i dont have anyone here to lean on... i chose it that way... i told everyone i wanted to do it alone... but now i am alone and i hate it... i hate that i am typing this on a phone with shaky fingers instead of talking to someone... but who would i even tell... who wants to hear that the guy who just did his best is actually at his worst... i feel like i am drowning in a swimming pool that is only two feet deep... like i could just stand up and be fine but i dont know how to move my legs anymore maybe i will just stay here for a while... until they start taking the tent down... the sun is getting really bright and it hurts my eyes... i have to drive home soon and go back to being the student and the son and the guy who is "doing so well for his age"... i hate that phrase... it feels like a punch in the gut every time... like there is a limit on how good i am allowed to be... i did my best today... i really did... and it still wasnt enough to make me feel like i am supposed to be here... idk... i just really dont know anymore... i just want to sleep for a hundred years and wake up when everything is different but i know i will just wake up and it will still be me in this skin...