I am sitting on the edge of my bed and the clock on the microwave in the kitchen says 2:18 am and I can hear the 6 train rattling the windows every few minutes and it feels like the whole city is breathing except for me. my hands are shaking so hard I almost dropped my phone three times already because what I’m about to say is so bad it feels like I’m committing a crime just by thinking the words. my mom spent four hours today showing me pictures of this guy from back home who is an engineer and lives in queens and she kept pointing at his teeth and saying how straight they are and how his family owns three buildings but all I could think about was how his face looked like a cage. like a literal cage I would have to step inside of and lock the door and give him the only key for the rest of my entire life until I’m dead and buried in the ground. my parents think I’m this perfect daughter who is just waiting for them to pick the right person but I look at the people in my school and on the street and I just don't get it. I saw this couple at the bodega at 4:12 pm today buying a pack of gum and they were holding hands but the girl looked so bored like she was just waiting for her life to start and I keep wondering why everyone acts like being with one person forever is the only way to not be lonely. it feels like a big lie that everyone just agreed to tell each other because they're scared of being alone but to me it feels way scarier to be stuck. I don't think humans are supposed to do that and I think the whole idea of "the one" is just something people made up to sell jewelry and wedding dresses that cost five thousand dollars. last week we went to my cousins wedding and I counted exactly forty-two centerpieces with white roses and everyone was crying and saying how lucky she was but I had to go lock myself in the bathroom stall for twenty minutes because I felt like I couldn't breathe. I kept looking at her husband and thinking about how he’s the only man she’s ever going to kiss for the next fifty years and it made my stomach do this weird flip like I was going to throw up the biryani. it’s not that I hate him or anything he’s fine but the idea of FOREVER is just so heavy and it feels so unnatural like trying to keep a bird in a shoebox. I want to see everything and meet everyone and I don't see why I have to pick one flavor of ice cream when the whole shop is right there. I feel like a monster for saying that because my dad works twelve hour shifts at the pharmacy just so I can have a good life and he talks about my future wedding like it’s the only thing he’s living for. he has this leather notebook where he writes down how much he saves every month for my dowry and it makes me want to scream because he’s saving up to buy a prison for me and he doesn't even know it. I have these dreams where I’m living in a tiny apartment by the tracks and there’s different people coming and going and nobody owns anybody and it feels so light and good but then I wake up and I see the dress my mom bought me for the engagement party next month and I just want to disappear. at school my friend jessica is always crying over her boyfriend mark and they’ve been together for six months and she acts like her life is over because he liked some girls photo on instagram. I just sat there and listened to her for thirty-four minutes while we waited for the bus and I wanted to tell her that it doesn't matter and she should just let him go and find someone else for the night and find someone else next week but I can't say that. if I said that out loud people would think I’m a slut or that I’m crazy but it’s not even about the sex part it’s just about the freedom. it’s about not having someone have a claim on your soul like you're a piece of property or a car they bought. my throat gets real tight when I think about the meeting next sunday because they're bringing that engineer over and I have to wear the blue dress with the gold embroidery and serve tea. I already know exactly how it’s going to go because I’ve seen it happen to all my sisters and it’s like this script that was written a thousand years ago and I’m the only one who forgot my lines. I’ve been counting the floor tiles in my room and there are 144 of them and I feel like I’ve memorized every single scratch and dent because I spend so much time hiding in here trying to figure out how to be the person they want me to be. sometimes I go on those forums and read about people who have "open" things but even that feels too structured and weirdly complicated with all these rules and talking. I just don't want the weight of another person hanging off my neck for eternity and it makes me feel so dirty and ungrateful because my family loves me so much. they love me but they don't see me they just see a space where a wife is supposed to be and I’m terrified that if I ever told them the truth they would look at me like I was a demon. I’m only seventeen and I already feel like my life is being folded up and put into a drawer. I keep looking at the clock and now it’s 2:41 am and the streetlights are flickering outside and everything is so quiet and I’m just so tired of pretending. I’m tired of smiling when they talk about "him" and I’m tired of feeling like I’m broken because I don't want a "him" I want a "them" and an "everyone" and a "nobody" all at the same time. it’s like I’m a different species than my parents and I don't know how I’m going to keep this up for another month let alone a whole lifetime. I just want to run out the door and keep walking until I hit the water and never have to hear the word marriage ever again. my phone is at 4 percent and I should probably go to sleep but my head is spinning so fast I don't think I can.