i am currently sitting on the floor of the handicap stall in the venue bathroom and the bass from the music is literally making the tiles vibrate under my feet and i just had to get out before i actually lost it bc the smell of the marigolds and all this heavy gold jewelry is literally suffocating me but my dad looked so happy when he saw me in the red sari he actually had tears in his eyes so i just stood there like a doll and let them pin the fabric until my shoulders ached and i just nodded when the priest said all that stuff about duty and being a good wife one day god i hate it here so much it actually hurts my chest its just so weird bc literally two days ago i was in the library till 3am crying over my thesis and debating the semiotics of power and the subversion of the male gaze and now i am here being part of the most archaic display of "ownership" i have ever seen like my cousin is literally being handed over and everyone is cheering and the uncles are making jokes about how her life is over now and i just have to sip my tea and smile bc if i say anything my mom will get that Look—you know the one—where she looks like i just physically hit her and she starts talking about family honor and how she and dad are getting old and just want to see us settled before they die so i just stay quiet and let them treat me like an ornament everything feels fake like i am wearing a costume and my skin is itching and i keep thinking about how much money went into this whole circus while i am literally struggling to pay my rent next month and i have three assignments due monday but here i am dancing in a circle pretending like i dont think this whole ceremony is fundamentally regressive and built on the erasure of female identity—oops there goes the academic brain again—but seriously it is so dehumanizing to watch everyone celebrate this while i know she actually wanted to go to grad school but her parents said no its time to get married and she just gave up. i dont want to give up. i am TERRIFIED of giving up. then auntie comes up to me and starts touching my face and asking when it will be my turn and if i know how to cook yet and i just said yes auntie soon auntie while i was literally imagining throwing my phone into the buffet because i just got an email from my professor about my internship and it felt like a lifeline from another planet where i actually matter as a person and not just as a potential bride to be traded off for social capital and i looked at my dad across the room and he looked so OLD and frail under the lights and i just felt this wave of guilt like i am a traitor for even thinking these things while he is smiling at me so i just went back out and danced until my feet bled now i am back in the stall and someone is knocking on the door and calling my name and i have to go back out there and put the mask back on and pretend i am not dying inside and pretend i dont see the way the world is trying to swallow me whole i just need one minute to breathe without the perfume and the loud drums and the weight of all these expectations i never asked for... my hands are shaking so bad i can barely type this but i have to go back out there now because they are calling for the next ritual and i have to hold the tray and smile for the camera so i guess this is just my life now until i can get back on the train and go back to my real life where i am nobody but at least i am MYSELF. i think. maybe i am not. i dont even know anymore.