I just… I can’t sleep, and it’s two in the morning, and I’m just staring at my phone, and it’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know? Like I got this email, *the* email, earlier today, or yesterday I guess, considering the time, but it feels like it just happened, and it’s from them, from the big news outlet, the one I’ve been pitching to for months, and it’s for this huge contract, like, more money than I’ve ever seen in my life, and it’s exactly what I’ve been working for, and it’s exactly what I’ve been telling myself would make everything okay, and I just… I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe they actually hired *me*. And I know it sounds stupid, because I’m good, I know I’m good at what I do, I’ve been freelancing for years, and I’ve got a decent portfolio, and I’ve put in the hours, the endless nights hunched over my laptop in this tiny, rural house where the internet barely works half the time, and I’ve earned my stripes, and I’ve sent out hundreds of pitches, and I’ve gotten rejection after rejection, and I’ve eaten ramen for dinner more times than I care to count, and I’ve seen all my friends from college move to the city and get real jobs with benefits and actual offices, and I’ve just been stuck here, watching the same five people drive past my window every day, and feeling like I’m just treading water, and everyone in town, they all know I’m the “writer,” and they ask me if I’ve sold a book yet, or if I’m rich yet, and it’s just… it’s exhausting, and it makes me feel like such a failure, even when I’m getting by. So then this email comes in, and it’s from Sarah, the editor I’ve been corresponding with, and she’s always been so professional, but a little distant, and I figured she was just humoring me, and it’s a full-on, official offer, and it’s for a series of articles, and it’s for a really significant amount, and it’s enough to actually make a difference, enough to maybe even move somewhere else, to finally leave this place, and I read it, and I reread it, and I checked the sender, and I checked the subject line, and I made sure it wasn’t some kind of scam, and I even went to their website just to confirm the email address was legitimate, and it all checks out, and it’s real, and it’s just sitting there in my inbox. And instead of feeling, I don’t know, *happy*, or relieved, or excited, I just feel this crushing wave of… ANXIETY, and dread, and I feel like I’m going to throw up, and I keep checking my email every five minutes, just waiting for the follow-up, the one that says, “Oops, sorry, we made a mistake, that offer was meant for someone else,” or “Actually, upon further review, we’ve decided to go in a different direction,” and it’s like I’m just waiting for them to realize that I’m not who they think I am, that I’m not good enough, that I’m just some kid from nowhere who got lucky. And I know it’s stupid, because they wouldn’t send a formal contract without being sure, and they’re a huge company, they don’t just make mistakes like that, but I can’t shake this feeling, and it’s just gnawing at me, and it’s making my stomach hurt, and I keep thinking about all the times I’ve almost gotten something big, and then it’s fallen through, and it’s like my brain just defaults to expecting the worst, always, and it’s like I can’t even enjoy a good thing when it actually happens. And I tried to tell my girlfriend, and she was happy for me, of course, but I could see it in her eyes, that little flicker of worry, because she knows how I get, and she knows how much I beat myself up, and she knows I’m already spiraling, and I could tell she was trying to be supportive, but also a little confused, because who isn’t ecstatic about something like this? But I just kept talking, and talking, and telling her all the ways it could go wrong, and all the reasons they’ll regret it, and all the reasons I’m not actually qualified, and she just kept saying, “You earned this, you deserve this,” but it just sounds so hollow when I’m the one saying it in my head. And it’s making me so angry, just so incredibly angry at myself for not being able to just accept it, and for not being able to just be happy, and for always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it’s like I’m sabotaging myself before I even start, and I just want to yell at myself, to just shut up and enjoy it, but I can’t, and it’s this relentless voice in my head, and it’s telling me I’m a fraud, and it’s telling me they’ll find out, and it’s telling me I’m going to mess it up, and it’s just driving me absolutely insane. And I’m just sitting here, in the dark, with the crickets outside, and the occasional car passing on the main road, and it’s just so quiet, and it makes the voice in my head even louder, and I keep refreshing my inbox, even though I know it’s ridiculous, and I’m just dreading the morning, and I’m dreading having to respond to that email, and I’m dreading signing that contract, because then it’ll be real, and then the pressure will be on, and then I’ll actually have to prove them right, or prove them wrong, and I just… I don’t know if I can do it. I just don’t know if I can actually do it.