You ever just sit in the dark and stare at your phone screen until your eyes start to sting? Like it’s 2am and the house is so quiet you can hear the fridge humming in the kitchen and you’re just... frozen. I think maybe i’m broken or something. You’re supposed to want things, right? You’re supposed to be happy when something good happens but instead it feels like someone just dropped a heavy rock right in your stomach and you can’t breathe. I don't know if this even counts as a problem but it feels like the end of the world. There’s this email in my inbox. It’s been there for three days and i keep opening it and then closing it real fast like it’s gonna burn me. It’s a contract. Like a real, big-time publishing thing for my art. They want to make a whole book of my drawings and put my name on the front and sell it in stores and stuff. It’s crazy money too. More money than my mom makes in a year probably. And i just... i can't do it. I think i'm gonna delete it and pretend it never happened and i feel so sick just thinking that. You know that feeling when you're just a kid and everything feels way too big? I'm only sixteen. I draw in my room with my door locked and the lights off and i use this old tablet that has a long crack across the corner. It was supposed to just be for me. Maybe some randoms on the internet see it but they don't *know* me. But now this company wants to make me like... a person. A real person that people talk about and look at. They want to do interviews and "promo" and all this stuff and it makes me want to throw up. I think maybe I’m being a brat. I know i am. My dad works two jobs and he’s always so tired his hands shake when he drinks his coffee in the morning. We’re always worried about the rent or the car making that weird clicking sound and here i am with a chance to fix everything. I could pay for the car. I could buy my own clothes for school so i don't have to wear the same three hoodies. But i keep thinking about people looking at me. I keep thinking about what happens when they find out i’m just some weird kid who doesn't know how to talk to people. Sometimes you just want to stay small. You want to stay in your little corner where it's safe and nobody expects you to be a genius or a "prodigy" or whatever. When i read the contract it felt like... like they were buying my life. They talked about "brand identity" and i don't even know what that means. I just like drawing girls with big eyes and monsters in the woods. I don't want to be a brand. I don't want people to have opinions on me or tell me what to change. I just want to be invisible. I had this call with the lady from the office last week and i could hardly speak. My voice kept cracking and i felt like i was sweating through my shirt. She was being so nice, which almost makes it worse? She kept saying how "excited" everyone was and how i was gonna be "the next big thing." And i just sat there nodding like a dummy while i was literally digging my nails into my palm so hard it left little red marks. I felt like a liar. I AM a liar. I'm pretending i can handle this when i'm actually falling apart. It’s the expectations that kill you. Once you sign that paper you can’t mess up anymore. You can’t just draw something bad and delete it. People are PAYING you. They’re expecting you to be perfect every single time. What if i run out of ideas? What if everyone looks at my art and realizes it’s actually kind of basic and i just got lucky? I think i'd rather be poor and quiet than famous and a failure. Is that bad? It feels bad. It feels like i’m spitting in the face of everyone who ever worked hard. I looked at myself in the mirror today and i just looked... small. Like, how am i supposed to be a "professional illustrator" when i still have to ask permission to go to the bathroom at school? It feels like a prank. I’m scared if i say yes then my whole life is just gone. No more quiet afternoons. No more just drawing for fun. It’ll be all "where’s the work" and "why isn't this finished" and people on the internet saying mean things about how i draw hands or something. I don't think i'm strong enough for that. You ever feel like you’re sabotaging your whole life but you can’t stop? I’m probably gonna let the deadline pass. I’m gonna let the email sit there until they stop asking and they find someone else who is actually cool and talented. And then i’ll go back to my messy room and my cracked tablet and i’ll wonder why we can't afford groceries. I feel so much shame it’s like a physical weight on my chest. I think i hate myself for being this way. I just want to hide. I just want everything to stop being so loud.