i don’t know if this counts as a confession but i just feel so much anger about it all and i don’t really have anyone to tell because everyone would just tell me to chill out or that i’m being dramatic or something and i just don’t think they get it like i was just trying to find this book you know one of those big art history ones i’ve had since college and it was right there on the bottom shelf of the bookcase and it’s just one of those really old ones with like a thousand tiny little shelves that are kind of crammed in there and i bent down to get it and it was just this SHARP pain in my knees like a really sudden jab and then another one and i just stood there for a second kind of hunched over and holding the book like some kind of stupid trophy and it made me so mad and i think maybe it’s not even really about the knees or the book or anything but it’s just everything piling up like i’m trying to make this thing happen with my art but it’s just so much pressure to just get a “real” job and my parents keep asking when i’m going to settle down and i don’t know i just feel like i’m always trying so hard to reach for something that’s just out of reach and then when i finally get close something else just breaks or hurts or reminds me that i’m not as strong as i think i am and it just makes me want to scream because i put so much into this and it feels like it’s just not enough and it just feels like i’m always doing everything alone like i try to explain it but it just comes out wrong and no one really gets it and i’m just sitting here with this big stupid book on the floor because i can’t even put it back without my knees hurting again and i don’t know it’s just a lot and it’s always a lot and i just thought things would be different by now but they’re not and i just feel this burning ANGER and i don’t know what to do with it