i dont even know what the fuck is wrong with me lately it’s like my brain just snaps sometimes and decides to go full blown psychotic for absolutely no reason and it’s always in the worst possible situations like today i was at the library of all places the one place on earth i’m supposed to feel calm and intellectually stimulated or whatever civilian bullshit they preach and i’m standing behind this guy in the checkout line he’s probably like forty five wearing a golf shirt and khakis looking perfectly normal perfectly harmless and for some reason out of nowhere i just imagine opening my mouth and screaming the most vile shit at him calling him a worthless cocksucker a soft pathetic civilian who’s never seen anything real a fucking piece of shit suburbanite who wouldn’t last five minutes outside his little bubble and i mean really screaming it like veins popping out of my neck spittle flying screaming it right there in the middle of the quietest fucking place on earth i could just picture the librarian’s face the way everyone would stare and i just stood there just staring at the back of his stupid khakis and my brain just wouldn’t shut up it just kept going through all these awful insults all these ways to break him down and i honestly don’t even know where it came from i don’t know why i wanted to hurt him so badly when he hadn’t done a goddamn thing to me and it's not even like i was angry at him specifically it was just this surge of pure fucking rage this disgust with everything around me with the quietness with the politeness with the fact that these people just live their lives so unaware so fucking comfortable and i just stood there frozen internally screaming obscenities at a man who was probably just checking out a book on how to improve his golf swing or some shit and i couldn't shake it i just wanted to tear into him to make him feel a fraction of what i feel sometimes that raw animalistic fury that has nowhere to go nowhere to be released and i just wonder if that’s how it is for everyone or if it’s just me if it’s just the constant hum of all the shit i’ve seen all the shit i’ve had to do just bubbling under the surface waiting for some random golf shirt wearing civilian to be the target i just don’t know how to turn it off i got home and just sat in the dark for like an hour just replaying the scene in my head the imaginary shouting the looks on people’s faces the sheer fucking violence of it all and i still don't understand why i felt it why i wanted to unleash that kind of verbal assault on a complete stranger i just wanted to shatter his little world just for a second just to see the fear in his eyes and it scares the absolute shit out of me because that’s not who i want to be that’s not who i am anymore or at least that’s what i keep telling myself but then these moments happen and i wonder if i’m just a ticking fucking time bomb like everyone says all those years all that training all that trauma just waiting for an unsuspecting civilian in khakis to be the one to set me off and i hate myself for it i really do