I really don't even know why I'm typing this here and I know people will just rip me apart but I need to say it even anonymously and I mean I don't even — whatever. It’s just like, my parents, they're getting older and they really really want me to marry my cousin, like it's been the plan forever and ever since I was a little kid and now my own kids are grown and outta the house and they’re asking all the time and I just keep saying yes, like I always have but in my head I’m screaming NO and it feels so wrong and fake and I just can’t keep doing it because I don’t even think lifelong marriage is even a real thing that humans are meant for. Like, we’re just not built that way, are we? We change, and people change, and it’s just not natural to expect one person to be everything to you forever and ever and ever until you die. It’s like a story we tell ourselves because it makes us feel safe or something, but it’s not real. And I know that sounds like I’m some kind of a bad person or something, and maybe I am but I honestly don't mean it that way. It’s just… when you spend all your time raising kids and making sure everyone else is okay and the house is clean and the bills are paid and all that stuff, you start to think about your own life and what you’ve actually done for yourself. And I feel like I'm just playing a part, you know? Like I'm an actress in my own life and the script was written by my grandparents and everyone just expects me to follow it. But the real me, she’s not even in that script. She's somewhere else, thinking about how we've been doing this whole marriage thing for thousands of years and maybe it's just a really old habit that we need to break because it's not actually working for a lot of people. And that's not even about me, like just looking around at everyone, it just seems like a lot of people are unhappy and pretending too and it makes me wonder if WE are all just stuck in this idea that we HAVE to have one person forever. It just feels like a huge secret, this thought, and it eats at me and makes me feel so guilty because my parents, they just want me to be happy and they think this is the way and I don't want to disappoint them but I also don't want to live a lie for the rest of my life. And I worry that if I ever said it out loud, not even that I don't want to marry _him_, but that I don't believe in the whole thing at all, that everyone would just think I'm crazy or selfish or something awful. It's just a lot to carry, all these years of pretending and this big idea that keeps growing in my head that this whole thing we've built, this expectation of forever with one person, it's just not what we're meant to do. And what am I supposed to do with that? Like, you can't just unlearn something that's been taught to you since you were born, but I also can't just pretend anymore. I really can't.