i don't know why i'm typing this out now i guess it's just one of those things that builds up until you have to say it even if it's to no one i think a lot about how we change you know how people become different versions of themselves over time it’s like there’s this path we’re all on and sometimes someone’s path just veers off without you even noticing until suddenly you’re walking in a totally different direction from them and you’re just alone we used to have so much going on always kids grandkids friends coming and going dinners were this big loud thing a circus really sometimes i hated it honestly all the noise the dishes but now it’s just quiet it’s this deafening quiet that fills the whole house every night every single night and it’s just us two we sit there and we eat i cook dinner every night always have but now it’s like i’m cooking for strangers or something like i don’t even know what they like anymore i just make whatever and we eat and it's this silence this heavy thing between us and sometimes i try to say something like "how was your day" or "remember that time" but it just falls flat it's like throwing a pebble into a well and not hearing it splash and i think about how we got here i mean i know how we got here it was gradual it was always me here at home and them out there doing whatever with people and things and building a life outside of this house and i was just building a life inside these walls and those lives they just don't meet anymore i don't know what to talk about with someone who lives such a completely different existence i used to think i was doing what was right you know for everyone for the family but now i just feel like i lost myself somewhere in all of it and the worst part is i can't even say anything because what would i even say "i miss the noise" or "i miss who we were" it sounds so dramatic so stupid and i feel this guilt this HUGE guilt for even wanting more when i have everything anyone could ever want a house a partner a family even if they're not here anymore it’s just this ache this constant ache and i don’t know if it’ll ever go away or if this is just my life now this silent dinner every night with someone i used to know so well