I don't know why I'm typing this out, I guess it's just one of those things you can't say to someone's face. Like, it's too big, too… selfish maybe? We humans are so weird about selfishness, especially when it comes to wanting things that don't directly benefit other people. And I know, I KNOW, I'm lucky. So incredibly lucky. But lately, it just feels like something inside me is just… deflating. Like a balloon that's been slowly losing air for years. I used to play music. That was my whole thing. My entire identity, honestly. Before kids, before this house, before all of… this. I was out there, on the road, making stuff up as I went along. It was messy sometimes, sure, but it felt so alive. Every day was different, every show, every new town. It was just *me*. And then someone came along, and that was great, it really was. And then came the kids, and that was even better. Truly. I wouldn't trade them for anything. But now… now it's just this. The same four walls, the same routine, the same questions about what's for dinner. And I know what people would say. "You chose this!" or "That's just what happens when you have a family!" And yeah, I get it. Intellectually, I get it. But there's this… phantom limb feeling, you know? Like part of me is missing, and even though I can't see it, I can still feel the ache. I sit down sometimes, with my instrument, and it just feels… foreign. Like it belongs to a different person. I try to write something, anything, and it just comes out sounding like… nothing. Just noise. And that used to be the thing that kept me going, the thing that made me feel like ME. The other day, someone mentioned something about my "old life" and I just smiled and nodded like it was fine. But inside, it felt like a punch to the gut. Old life? Was it really just… old? Gone? I try to explain it sometimes, but the words just get stuck. How do you tell someone you love, someone who has given you everything, that you feel like you're disappearing? That the person they married, the person they fell in love with, is slowly fading away into the background hum of laundry and school runs? It feels so ungrateful. So awful. It’s like… we all have this thing inside us, this little spark that makes us who we are. And for some of us, that spark needs constant fuel, constant new air, new experiences to keep burning bright. And if it doesn’t get it, it just… shrinks. And that’s where I am now. Just watching that little light get dimmer and dimmer. And I don’t know what to do about it. Or if there even is anything to do. I just needed to say it, I guess. To someone. To no one.