i dunno why im typing this out i guess its like 2am and im just kinda freaking out. but like every night it's the same thing right. i get into bed after like a whole day of whatever studying for this stupid stats final or trying to figure out if my TA actually hates me or just has rbf and my brain just decides *this* is the moment to get existential. it's not even like a specific thought just this feeling you know? like this cold knot in my stomach that starts spreading. and then it starts. the heart thing. like i swear i can feel every single beat. thump. thump. thump. and it’s fine for a bit but then my brain just goes there. what if it skips? what if it just… stops? like my whole body just gives out on me when im asleep and i don’t even know. i just keep thinking about that old dude who used to live downstairs he was super nice always brought me cookies around exam time and then one day his mail just piled up for like a week and the super found him and yeah. so then im like an actual maniac. like i’ll just lie there for hours. just my hand on my chest. feeling it. counting. one hundred beats a minute. then ninety. then eighty. and it’s never like perfectly even is it. there’s always a little hiccup or a flutter and my brain just screams THIS IS IT. this is the one. and then i’ll sit up. turn on the light. like im gonna ward off the grim reaper just by being awake. it’s so dumb. it’s SO dumb but i just can’t help it. i’ll even check my pulse on my wrist like im some kind of doctor. 68bpm. fine. good. right. but the thing is it’s not really about the heart is it. it’s about being alone. i mean im always alone. im in this tiny apartment that smells like old books and ramen noodles and there’s no one else here. no one to like wake me up if im choking or whatever. no one to notice if im just… gone. and im just like 20 and im already thinking about dying alone in my sleep like an old man. it’s insane. im gonna ace this stats final and then just drop dead in my bed like seriously. i tried to tell my roommate once when we were super wasted like hey sometimes i think im gonna die in my sleep and he just laughed and said "dude that’s just anxiety" and like yeah no duh sherlock but it doesnt make it go away right. so now im just here. typing this to randos on the internet bc i cant sleep. and im probably gonna check my pulse again in like five minutes. just to make sure. just in case. what if this is the last post i ever make lol. probably not but you know. the brain. it just does its thing.