you ever just look out your office window and feel this like, existential dread creeping in? not even dread exactly more like… a profound sense of cognitive dissonance. bc im looking at this pottery studio across the street right now. it’s like pastel pink and green all cute and cottagecore and im sitting here in my brutalist glass box office, staring at a spreadsheet that’s basically just numbers telling me how many people clicked on an ad for artisanal dog food. and it’s 2am and i just can’t… stop looking at it. like, sometimes you just get this flash of a whole other life. a life where i actually finished my art history degree. a life where i was maybe covered in clay dust instead of like, corporate jargon. i literally used to spend hours in the art library, smelling like old books and coffee, writing essays about rococo ornamentation. now my biggest intellectual challenge is figuring out if we should use a serif or sans-serif font for our next linkedin campaign. it’s so… antithetical to everything i thought i wanted. and the thing is i dont even HATE my job. it’s fine. the pay is good, the health insurance is amazing (which my mom reminds me of like, every other week). i have a nice apartment, i can afford to go to that bougie coffee place. it’s objectively a good life right? but then why do i feel this… almost anhedonia? like everything is just kind of flatlining. i keep waiting for the feeling of accomplishment to kick in, or even just like, a genuine spark of interest in anything work related and it just… doesn’t. you know that feeling when you're supposed to be grateful bc you ‘made it’ but you secretly wonder if ‘it’ is actually just a gilded cage? my friends from college are getting married, having kids, buying houses in the suburbs. and im just here, 31, single, meticulously categorizing keywords for a pet supply brand and feeling like a total imposter. like i tricked everyone into thinking i was a functional adult who knew what they were doing. i guess what im asking is… when do you know if you made the wrong choice? if the stability you chased is actually just a long slow decline into apathy? bc i look at that pottery studio and i just get this overwhelming urge to like, walk over there, sign up for a class, and just… make something. anything. that isn't a powerpoint presentation. but then the thought of giving up the security i have, the thought of disappointing everyone… it’s like a paralytic. and i just keep staring at the pink building.