Okay so I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, like every single day, every day. I’m an illustrator, been doing it for years. Back in the day, when the kids were little, it was all about the art collective. You know, making stuff for the community, big murals, local events, art walks. Felt good, felt REAL. We'd get these tiny stipends, barely enough to cover the studio rent, but we were doing it for the ART. For the SOUL, right? That’s what we told ourselves. My husband, he’d just shake his head, but he understood I needed that. It was my thing. But now… now things are different. Parents are getting older, need more help, doctor appointments all the time. Kids are grown, but college loans are a thing, and houses here in the burbs… well, let’s just say they’re not cheap. So when a chance came up for some commercial work, big contracts, national campaigns even, I took it. Had to. It pays really well. Like, more than I ever made from the collective in a whole year, in just one project. It pays enough to actually pay for things, for the studio, for the bills, for… you know, life. So I took more. And more. Now my days are full of corporate branding guides and revision requests and making sure the stupid shade of blue is exactly the right stupid shade of blue for some snack food company. It’s draining. Every single line, every brush stroke, it feels like it’s just… for money. Which, I guess, it is. But the collective, they call me less and less. I see their projects on Instagram, all collaborative and meaningful, and I feel this… this kind of coldness inside. Like a void. They probably think I’m too good for them now. Or just a sell-out. Am I the only one who feels this? Like you’re doing what you HAVE to do, what makes sense financially, but it eats away at that thing that made you YOU? I see my neighbors, they’re all keeping up with the Joneses, new cars, perfect lawns. I think they probably think I’m doing great. My husband says "It’s a good problem to have." But it doesn't FEEL good. It feels like… a calculation. Every choice, a calculation. And I just keep wondering if I lost something important along the way. That feeling, the one I used to have, it’s just gone. Poof. Anyone else? Or am I just… broken.