i’m almost 60 you know and I just realized I’ve spent the last twenty years drawing corporate logos and happy families for insurance brochures and honestly sometimes i just stare at the screen and wonder what happened to the person who used to dream of charcoal sketches and giant murals on brick walls it’s like my hands just moved on autopilot for so long signing those contracts for the big companies because they pay so well a commercial contract for a new ad campaign means I can actually pay the rent on my studio for six months or a year at a time and not just scraping by month to month like I used to and the art collective bless their hearts they’re so passionate but their collaborative projects barely cover the cost of the art supplies sometimes let alone the damn electricity bill in this city everything costs SO much and I just wanted to be comfortable for once you know not always worried about every little penny but then I see the kids at the collective and their raw energy their commitment to art for art’s sake and I feel this pang of something that’s not exactly guilt but it’s close it’s like a hollow feeling in my chest because I chose the steady paycheck over the messy beautiful work that actually meant something to me that connected with people in a real way not just selling them another product it feels like i traded my soul for a guaranteed income and now I’m too old to go back too set in my ways to just walk away from all that stability even if it feels so EMPTY sometimes I try to tell myself it’s just the practical choice the smart choice the one that lets me keep my studio at all but then i look at the work i’m doing and it’s just… bland it’s safe it’s not ME it’s just what they want and I worry that when it’s all said and done when I finally hang up my pens and brushes my legacy will just be a stack of polished brochures and happy stock photos and not a single piece of art that really spoke to anyone or made them feel anything real except maybe the urge to buy something I just feel like I let myself down you know like I settled for less than what I was capable of because the money was good and now what now I’m just an old illustrator with a comfortable apartment and a gnawing feeling that I missed out on something truly important for the sake of a bigger bank account and there's no going back from that is there