i feel like a fake... and like a really bad person for it. i don't know if this counts as a confession really but i just need to get it out somewhere where no one knows me. i came here like a year ago, maybe a little more? and at first it was kinda cool. i met some people through my cousin, and a few kids at the community center, and it was hard with the english sometimes but we made it work. like, i felt like i had friends. we'd hang out after my stupid gig jobs, just chilling, playing games, sometimes trying to talk about stuff but mostly just laughing. i thought this was gonna be my life now, you know? finally settling in. but then... it just kinda faded. i think maybe it's my fault? i don't know. my english isn't amazing still and my jobs are all over the place. one day i'm helping deliver food, the next i'm cleaning stuff, sometimes it's really late so i can't see anyone. and they just stopped inviting me i guess. or maybe i just stopped hearing about stuff? it's like a really slow ghosting, but not mean, just... quiet. and now i just sit in my tiny room after work, staring at my phone, sometimes i see them post stuff together and it's like a punch in the gut. i try to comment but then i just delete it because what would i even say? "hey remember me?" it feels so pathetic. is anyone else like... pretending they're fine? like, i tell my family back home everything is GREAT here, i have so many friends, i'm doing so well. and i pretend to myself too sometimes, that i don't care, that i'm better off alone. but it's a lie. i miss them. i just wish i knew how to fix it without looking like a total loser. or am i just supposed to get used to being alone now? i don't know. i feel so ASHAMED.