i just finished my takeout. chicken biryani from that place down the street that’s probably too expensive but it’s delicious and i deserved it. i ate it sitting on the floor in my unfurnished living room listening to the hum of the fridge and it was... quiet. blissfully quiet. and it hit me like a ton of bricks how much i actually crave this stillness. like deep in my bones crave it. for years decades really i’ve been surrounded by noise. kids grandkids work committees lectures constant demands on my attention my time my everything. and i love them all truly i do the little gremlins are delightful most of the time. but i never realised how little space i had for just... me. how little time i had to just exist without someone needing something. always a phone ringing always a new crisis always some event to plan or attend. i used to think i thrived on it that i was one of those people who needed constant stimulation. ha. what a joke. i was just too busy to notice i was drowning. now i’m back in school you know retirement didn’t quite stick the way i thought it would and suddenly it’s a whole new kind of noise. the pressure the deadlines the existential dread of writing a thesis when my brain feels like a particularly dusty attic. but here’s the thing even with all that fresh academic chaos i’ve found these pockets of silence. these stolen moments. like tonight. after a day of wrestling with kant and trying not to sound completely senile in a seminar i just want to sit here in my empty apartment and hear nothing. feel nothing. just… be. and the confession part? it’s that i don’t miss it. the constant noise. the needing to be everything for everyone. i don't miss the feeling of being pulled in a million directions. i used to think that was what love was you know sacrificing every bit of yourself. my kids would say 'mom you never slow down' and i'd puff out my chest a little like yeah that's me a whirlwind of productivity and affection. but now it’s like a distant memory. almost like a different person’s life. and the thought of going back to that? makes me feel a little bit sick. i’m so selfish for this right? i know i am. i guess i’m worried about what happens when this chapter ends. when i’m done with the degree and the next thing starts. will the silence go away? will i be dragged back into the maelstrom? i don't want to be. i don’t think i can be. i’m too old for that nonsense now. i like my biryani on the floor in the quiet. i really do. even if it makes me a terrible person.