i got this gig for the church (the big one downtown) to paint a mural and it felt like a BIG DEAL like for real a really big deal cause usually my art is just like for school or for my mom to hang on the fridge you know? and i got paid up front too cash money which we really needed the fridge broke last week and my mom kept saying how were gonna eat without one and i didn't wanna hear it so i said yeah i'll do it i'll paint your whole wall for you a really pretty one they want like an angel or something like jesus looking down with all the light around him but every time i try to draw it all i see is the cracked paint on the wall in my room i just can’t see what they want me to see it’s all just flat and boring and like nothing like how do you draw something that’s not there like i stare at the blank wall and all that comes to mind is the bills piled on the counter at home and the way my mom sighs when she thinks no one’s listening the pastor he came by today and he was like "are you feeling the spirit son" and i just nodded my head yeah sure the spirit (i don’t even know what that means) but all i felt was the cold of the brick wall through my thin shirt and the ache in my shoulder from holding the brush up so long it’s heavy you know and the shame like a hot flash spreading across my chest cause i’m supposed to be seeing something holy or whatever and i just see a big empty wall and a deadline coming fast i gotta finish it though don’t i cause the money’s already spent on the new fridge and some food that won’t go bad now and if i don't then what i can’t give it back can i they’ll be mad and my mom she’ll be disappointed again and i just can’t take that not again so i’m gonna keep trying to paint this angel that feels like a ghost (a really boring ghost) on this wall (that feels just like a wall) and hope no one notices that i don’t actually believe in any of it like not even a little bit cause i really need this you know like really really need it bad it’s like trying to draw a dream you never had like someone told you a story and said here now make it real but your brain just keeps playing your own stories over and over like a broken record and it’s always the same sad song and i just want to do a good job for once and not let everyone down even if i have to fake it till i make it or whatever they say and i don't even know if that works for angels cause what if the angel looks fake then that's even WORSE isn't it cause it's supposed to be real. i just hope they don't look too closely.