i just got home from our anniversary dinner and i can’t sleep like my brain is doing this weird thing where it’s super alert but also completely numb? idk if that makes sense. we went to that fancy italian place everyone raves about and it was… fine. we sat there for like an hour and a half and said maybe ten words to each other. it was just silence. heavy, thick silence. i kept thinking about all the comments on our last instagram post – ‘couple goals’ ‘the perfect match’ – and then we’d just pick at our food. literally the only time we really interacted was when he leaned over and whispered ‘smile for the gram’ and we both perfectly angled ourselves and took that pic of us clinking our wine glasses looking all smitten. and then it was back to silence. when we were walking out the hostess was like ‘happy anniversary you two look so happy’ and we both just smiled and said thanks. like we’re so good at it. the performance. it’s this weird dissociation i guess? like i was observing myself doing it. playing the part. it felt so fake but also so natural at the same time? and the thing is i don’t even know what i’m feeling about it. there’s no big fight no screaming no drama. just… nothing. which feels worse somehow. like is it supposed to be this way when you’ve been together this long? almost five years now. we used to have so much to say everything was so exciting. now it’s just… quiet. all the time. even when we’re with friends it’s like we’re on parallel tracks. is that normal? is this what happens when you’re past the honeymoon phase? but everyone else seems so into each other still. my friends in grad school are always talking about their partners like they’re still discovering new things about them. i feel like i know every single thought he’s ever had. and he probably feels the same about me. i’m still writing my thesis proposal and it’s due in like three weeks and all i can think about is this dinner. it just keeps looping. the clinking of the glasses, the forced smile, the complete void. it’s not sadness or anger it’s just… emptiness. like a perfectly sculpted void. and i keep wondering if he feels it too. if he’s laying next to me right now feeling the exact same thing but too afraid to say anything. because then what? what if we both say it? what happens to the ‘perfect couple’ then? it’s too much to even think about. i just want to understand what this feeling is. or lack thereof. like is it anhedonia? am i just burnt out from school and projecting? or is this something else entirely. i just don’t know.