i just got home from this work mixer and i’m like, staring at my reflection and i don’t even recognize myself. it’s not even just the blow out and the expensive dress i bought on my credit card that i really can’t afford. it’s the way i was talking. like, full on performing. my dad drives a truck for a living, my mom works at the local diner, and i’m over here trying to sell million dollar properties like i’m some heiress. i’ve been practicing this accent, you know? like, a little breathy, all the vowels stretched out, "oh *dahhhling*, just divine!" it’s ridiculous. but everyone at the office talks like that. and all the clients. so i just started... doing it. and it worked. i got a sale last week, a big one. and my boss said i was "really finding my footing, such a natural fit for the clientele." natural fit. lol. tonight at the mixer, i was talking to this couple about their summer house in the Hamptons and i mentioned my "equestrian pursuits." equestrian pursuits! i rode a donkey once at a fair when i was seven. but they looked impressed, so i kept going. "oh yes, the dressage is just *so* therapeutic, don't you find?" and they were like, absolutely, darling. and i’m just thinking about my dad trying to fix our leaky faucet this weekend, covered in grease, and here i am talking about dressage and pretending i have a stable full of thoroughbreds. it felt… so fake. but i couldn't stop. and then the worst part. i was on the phone with my mom earlier, before i left for the mixer, and she asked what i was up to and i almost slipped. i almost said "i'm going to this work thing where i pretend to be someone i'm not so i can make enough money to pay for my tuition and not feel like a total imposter." but i didn't. i just said "oh just a networking event, kind of fancy, you know." and she said "don't forget where you come from, honey." and i just said "i won't, mom." but i think i am. i really think i am. i just feel so... disconnected. like there's two of me. the me who's trying to pass this economics exam and the me who's talking about private schools and pilates with people who have never had to worry about rent. i don't even know which one is the real me anymore. it’s like i’m stuck between worlds and i belong to neither. and i'm exhausted. i just want to sleep but my mind won't shut up. i have this huge presentation tomorrow and i can't even think about it. what if i just… stop? like, what if tomorrow i just walk into work and talk like myself? like the me from home. what would even happen? would they laugh? would i get fired? i don't know what to do. i feel like i'm suffocating. and i’m so tired of pretending. but i also... i need this job. i need the money for school. i just need to get through this. but i don't know how much longer i can keep this up. i just don't know.