i work at this fancy boutique downtown selling scarves and bags that cost more than my car and its so EXHAUSTING bc im 48 and back in school for accounting and my dad is starting to forget where he is and my kids r always asking for money it just never stops. i have to act so normal at work like a lady who loves to chat but really i have to write down exactly what to say on these little index cards i keep in the break room. i have stuff like oh that color brings out your eyes or r u shopping for a special occasion today? i just repeat them over and over and pray nobody asks me something i didnt plan for bc then i just freeze up and look like a total idiot. the worst part is the eyes. i read online that people think ur lying or mean if u don't look at them so i FORCE myself to stare at their pupils while they talk. it feels like my skin is crawling and i want to run away but i just keep counting in my head 1 2 3 4 5 and then i look at their nose for a second then back to the eyes. it takes so much energy that by the time i get to my night classes i cant even understand what the teacher is saying. i just sit there staring at my notebook while my brain feels like it’s made of static and i wonder if everyone else finds this easy and im just broken or something. today this one lady was so IMPATIENT and she kept tapping her nails on the glass counter while i was trying to wrap her gift. she said can u hurry it up i have a lunch at one and i forgot my script for a second so i just stared at her and didnt say anything. i think i was staring too hard bc she looked really uncomfortable and asked if i was okay. i just blurted out yes i am fine r u having a nice afternoon? like a total robot even though i already asked her that ten minutes ago. she just gave me this LOOK like i was some kind of freak and i felt like i was gonna throw up right there on the expensive rug. now im sitting in my car in the parking lot and i have a huge exam tomorrow that i havent studied for but i cant even move. i keep thinking about how im almost 50 and i still dont know how to just BE with people without it feeling like a math problem. my mom keeps calling too and i know she wants to complain about her hip but i just cant talk to anyone else today. i feel so bad bc shes old but my brain is just FULL and i cant fit any more words in it. maybe i shouldnt even post this bc people r gonna judge me for being a weirdo or a bad daughter. i just feel like im wearing a mask every single day and it’s getting too heavy to hold up anymore. i keep thinking that once i finish school and get a job in an office where i can just work with numbers it will be better but what if it isnt? what if im just like this forever and i never figure out how to be a real person? i just want to go home and sit in the dark and not have anyone look at my face for a long time but i still have to go to class and pretend i know what im doing. i rly hope i dont fail that test tomorrow but i honestly just feel like i want to disappear.