i cant even believe im writing this down. its like... its 2 am. im in this cubicle. still. in the library. the lights are really low now but like the cleaning people are gonna come soon and find me here. i just cant go back to my place. not yet. i cant face it. i failed the midterm. like REALLY failed it. it wasnt even close. the professor handed it back today and i saw the grade and like my stomach just dropped. it felt like i was punched. everything just went cold. this is for like my history of art class. and i actually kinda like art history its just... this specific prof. he makes me feel so stupid. and i just wanted to get a good grade for once. i really tried. i did. i studied every single day. every day this week i was in here until like midnight trying to cram it all in. when i saw the F. i swear my eyes just started to water. like just a little bit. and i felt that like THING in my throat. that choke-y feeling. and i was sitting there at my desk in the lecture hall with like a hundred other kids and i just knew. i knew someone was gonna see. someone was gonna look over and see me about to cry. and then what? then what would happen? would they laugh? would they whisper? would they think im some kinda baby? a full grown adult crying over a stupid midterm? so i just grabbed my bag. like quick. i just stood up. and i walked out of there. fast. i didnt even look at anyone. i just walked. and i walked. and i ended up in this cubicle. this stupid little box. and i sat down. and i just like shoved my face into my hands. and i just like... i just didnt let it happen. i just kept swallowing. every single tear. i just pushed it back down. i kept telling myself DONT DO IT. dont you dare. dont you dare let one single tear fall. my kids are like grown now you know. they're out there doing their own thing. got grandkids even. and my parents... oh god my mom. she calls me like five times a day asking if ive eaten. if i got enough sleep. like im still a kid. and im supposed to be this like strong person now. this one who has it all figured out. going back to school at my age... it was supposed to be like this new chapter. this like... im gonna prove something to myself. and to everyone else. but here i am. hiding. hiding in a library cubicle. at 2 in the morning. cause i cant even cry about failing a test. what does that even say about me? like what kind of person am i that i cant even let myself be sad? i just feel this like... pressure. all the time. its like ive got to keep it all together. every single day. every single thing. if i let one little crack show. just one. then the whole damn thing is gonna come crashing down. and then what? then what happens? i kept trying to like breathe it away. you know? like those breathing things they tell you to do. just like in and out. in and out. but it just kept getting harder to breathe. and my chest felt tight. like someone was sitting on it. and i just closed my eyes so tight. and i just kept repeating in my head 'dont cry, dont cry, dont cry'. its like a mantra or something. a stupid, stupid mantra. and now its like... ive been here for hours. hours and hours. and the tears are gone. they just like... disappeared. i guess i pushed them back deep enough. but now i just feel empty. just like completely hollowed out. and tired. so tired. and i still gotta go home. and pretend like everything is fine. like i didnt fail. like i didnt almost break down in front of a bunch of kids young enough to be my own. it just feels like... im always pretending. always. i just wanna like... scream. or something. i dont know. just something. anything. but i cant. not here. not ever. i just... i guess im just gonna pack up my stuff. and just walk out of here. and go home. and pretend to sleep. and then wake up. and do it all again. tomorrow. and the next day. and the next. just keep pushing it down. every single day. until what? until i explode? i dont know. i just dont know.