i guess i never really thought about it before but like yeah that whole stay at home parent thing... it really kinda just ends doesn't it... like i remember being 38... my youngest was starting primary school and all the mum friends i'd made at playgroup and toddler music... just sort of drifted away... it's not like anyone was being MEAN or anything... just... everyone's kids went to different schools... different class schedules... suddenly no one was at the park at the same time... and it was weird... like one minute you're talking about nappy rash and sleep regressions and the next... silence... i used to run into some of them at the supermarket and we'd do the whole 'oh we MUST catch up soon' but we never really did... it felt like i'd lost a whole chunk of my social life... a whole IDENTITY almost... without ever actually DOING anything to lose it... like it was just... absorbed back into the ether... and now... i'm nearly 50... and it's even weirder... the disappearing act... like i swear i walk into a room and people just look THROUGH me now... like i'm a ghost or something... i'm not even trying to be dramatic it's just... the way it is... my body is doing whatever it wants... getting all... softer... and a bit... lumpy... in places i never even knew COULD be lumpy... and i feel like i'm constantly battling against it... trying to hold onto some semblance of... me... before it all just... turns into a completely different person... and it's just... it's a lot... to watch yourself change without really having any say in it... to know that the people who used to sort of... rely on you... and NEEDED you... are just... off doing their own thing now... it's a very particular kind of quiet isn't it... the one that comes after everyone else has left the room. i don't know... it's just one of those things you don't really think about until you're IN it... and then it's too late... to sort of... prepare yourself for it... i guess.