I hate myself so much right now its like 2am and my brain wont shut up about how much of a fake piece of shit I am during the day. I’m 17 and I’m already selling my soul for some shitty freelance data work because I need the money and the rent isn't gonna pay itself. my boss greg is this loud dude who thinks everyone needs to be "on" all the time like we're in a circus or some shit and since I’m just a kid on a contract I gotta play along or I’m out. how I act in the zoom calls every fucking morning: - I smile so wide my face actually hurts and my eyes get all watery - I use this high pitch voice that sounds like a cartoon character or a girl - I say stuff like AWESOME and TOTALLY and CANT WAIT TO CRUNCH THESE NUMBERS GUYS - I nod like a fucking bobblehead while greg talks about synergy or whatever - I laugh at his jokes even when they aren't jokes they're just him being an asshole to the interns the real me just wants to sit in the dark and look at spreadsheets and not talk to a single soul. I like the numbers because they dont lie and they dont ask you how your weekend was or tell you to bring more energy to the table. but greg says he only keeps people who are "leadership material" and that apparently means being the loudest person in the room so here I am doing a little dance for some pennies. I’m a data analyst but I feel like a fucking clown at a birthday party for people I hate. today was the worst one yet because we had this big team check in and I had to present the churn rates for this client. I spent all night making these slides look perfect but greg didn't care about the math he just wanted to see "passion." so I got on camera and I did the thing. I did the big "HEY TEAM LETS GET PUMPED" voice and I even wore a bright yellow shirt because greg mentioned once that it shows a positive mindset. I looked like a fucking banana and I could feel my heart beating in my throat the whole time. greg was like hey kid love the energy keep it up you're really coming out of your shell and I just said thanks so much greg really glad to be part of the win! and then I muted my mic and literally felt like I was gonna throw up in my trash can. my stomach was just doing knots. then this other girl sarah who's like 25 and actually cool says wow you're always so happy how do you do it? and I had to lie to her face too. I told her I just love the grind. I fucking hate the grind. I hate every second of it. reasons I’m actually losing my mind: 1. my actual personality feels like its disappearing 2. my voice is always raspy because I'm straining it to sound happy 3. any respect I had for myself is gone 4. I cant sleep because I spend all night cringing at the things I said 5. the ability to just be quiet without feeling like I'm failing some test its not even like I have a real job with benefits or anything I'm just a contractor and if I stop being the bubbly kid they'll just find some other kid who will do it. there's always someone else willing to pretend for 15 bucks an hour and no overtime pay. I got no safety net and my parents are always asking how the "career" is going like I'm some big shot and I have to lie to them too. I'm just a kid in a bedroom pretending to be a golden retriever so I don't get kicked off the project and lose my streak. every time the camera turns off I just sit there in the silence and it feels like the walls are closing in. the transition is the worst part—going from 100 to 0 in a second. it feels like my skin is too tight and I look in the mirror and I don't even know who that guy is anymore. he looks like me but he talks like a stranger who reads corporate motivational posters for fun. he’s a liar and a coward and I have to live with him 24/7. tonight I tried to do my actual work but I couldn't even look at the excel files because I just kept hearing my own fake high pitched laugh echoing in my head. it sounds so desperate and pathetic. I’m 17 and I’m already a hollow shell of a person because I’m scared of a guy named greg who wears bluetooth headsets and drinks protein shakes. I should be worrying about school or something normal but instead I’m worrying if I sounded "peppy" enough during a talk about database migration. I’m gonna have to do it all again at 9am tomorrow. I’ll wake up and put on that stupid yellow shirt and drink three cups of coffee so I’m shaky and hyper and I’ll tell everyone what a GREAT day it is while I’m dying inside. I just want to disappear into the numbers and never have to smile again but the rent is due on the first and the mask is the only thing keeping me paid. I’m so tired of being this person and I dont think the real me is even in there anymore... it's just yellow shirts and fake laughs all the way down.