I’m sitting in the garage right now, the LED strips on the dash of this damn car glowing that soft blue that’s supposed to be "calming." It’s a $100k battery on wheels. My neighbors see me pull in and they see a "conscious leader," someone who cares about the carbon footprint and the future of the planet. It’s all theatre. Does anyone else spend their entire life acting out a script they find completely illogical? I’m looking at the charge percentage and all I can think about is the overhead. I spent ten years in the service learning how to maximize efficiency with limited resources—true tactical necessity—and now I’m at the top of a company where I have to pretend that these new EPA mandates aren't bleeding us dry. I remember being downrange, middle of nowhere, just trying to keep the equipment running on whatever scrap we had. There was a clarity there. You did what you had to do to win the day. Now, I sit in meetings with people who have never seen a day of real logistics in their lives, and I nod while they talk about "stewardship" and being green. I say the words. I use the lingo. But inside, I’m calculating the 15% hit to our Q3 margins because of some redundant water usage regulation. It feels like mission creep on a global scale. Is it just me, or is the whole world obsessed with optics over actual results? Yesterday, my CFO came in, looking all worried about the new reporting requirements. I gave him the "steady hand" look—the one I used to give my CO when things were going south and we were low on ammo. I told him we’d leverage our green initiatives to pivot the narrative. He relaxed. He actually believed I cared about the "environmental impact." I don't. I really don't. I just want the numbers to work. I want the mission accomplished. But the mission now is just... maintaining a facade. It’s exhausting, but I don't even feel the exhaustion anymore. It’s just a flat line. NO PULSE. I think the military broke my ability to care about things that don't have a direct tactical purpose. If a regulation makes us less competitive against overseas markets, it’s an obstacle. Period. But I have to drive this silent, soulless car and talk about "the future for our children" during every keynote. I don't even have kids. I have a mortgage and a reputation that I’ve built like a fortress. Sometimes I catch myself staring at the dashboard, waiting for something to spark—some kind of guilt or maybe a bit of pride? Nothing. Just the quiet hum of the cooling fans. Anyone else feel like they’re wearing a skin that doesn't fit? I go to these charity galas, sipping lukewarm champagne, and I listen to these trust-fund types talk about "saving the world" while they’ve never sacrificed a single comfort in their entire lives. I’ve seen what real sacrifice looks like. It’s not buying a hybrid. It’s blood and dust and years of your life you’ll never get back. And yet, here I am, the poster child for corporate responsibility. It’s a joke. A very expensive, very profitable joke. The air in this car is too clean. It lacks the smell of grease and sweat and actual work. I miss the honesty of a diesel engine—something loud and dirty that actually did the job it was supposed to do without apologizing for existing. Last week, I had to authorize a RIF—forty people gone—because our compliance costs spiked. I did it with a straight face, then went out and did a presser about our new solar array. I didn’t sleep that night, not because I was sad about the layoffs, but because I was bored by my own hypocrisy. It’s becoming a routine. Does it ever stop being a performance? Or do we just keep going until the battery dies? I’m 42 years old and I’ve become the thing I used to despise: a suit with a script. My CO used to say, "Adapt and overcome," but he didn't mention what happens when you adapt so much that there’s nothing left of the original person. I look at my reflection in the tinted window and I don't see a leader. I see a tactician who’s winning a war she doesn't believe in. The profits are up, the PR is gold, and I’m sitting in a driveway at 2am, wondering if anyone else is just... waiting for the mask to slip. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Or maybe it's just the realization that I’ve optimized my life into a void. I’ll go inside in a minute, walk past the smart-home hub that tracks my energy usage, and lie down next to a man who thinks I’m a hero for "changing the industry." I won't tell him I spent the afternoon looking for legal loopholes to bypass the very standards I helped draft. Why bother? It’s just more noise. Am I the only one who feels more alive in the deception than the truth? Everything is so QUIET now. I hate the quiet.