i'm supposed to be a chef right a vegan chef a bloody good one too five years building this whole thing this whole identity around what i believe around what i stand for but now my sister's wedding is like a week away and i'm here in this industrial kitchen smelling like rendered fat and something else i can't quite place that just— it sticks to everything and i'm thinking about all the pigs and the sheep and the cows i'm prepping for this banquet this traditional thing this whole cultural homage for her new in-laws who are you know VERY traditional and like i said i agreed i said yes no problem i'll do it for family right it’s important to them and it IS important to me too the heritage the whole thing my parents instilled that in us it’s etched in my bones from when i was a kid hearing the stories about the old country the celebrations the food all of it but my hands they feel foreign handling these cuts i mean i've seen worse i’ve done worse in the service but this feels different somehow like a betrayal of something i built after all that other shit you know after i got out and tried to build a normal life i mean i don't even — whatever i just keep thinking about the smell it's not like the smell of a fresh garden or even a perfectly roasted vegetable it’s heavy almost metallic like blood and it's everywhere in my clothes in my hair under my fingernails it’s not even just the meat it’s the expectation the weight of doing something i’ve spent years actively trying NOT to do for the sake of something intangible like family honor or whatever my sister she’s so happy about it she thinks it’s amazing that i’m doing this for her making everything authentic and i nod and i smile and i say yeah no problem anything for you sis but inside it's just this hollow feeling like a drum that’s been hit too many times and it’s just making a dull thud instead of a clear note i guess it’s just another one of those things where you realize that no matter how much you try to change yourself or build a new path there are always parts of you that are just stuck in the old ways caught between what you say you believe and what you end up doing because someone else expects it and honestly i'm not even mad or sad it’s just a fact like the sky is blue or the sun comes up every day this is just what is and tomorrow i’ll be back in that kitchen again skinning another whatever just another day another meal another thing i don’t really want to do but i’m doing anyway because that’s what we do right we just do it