I'm just so unbelievably mad right now, like I'm seething, but it's not even at anyone specific, it's just this whole... thing. I was at my daughter's birthday party today, finally got her that bouncy castle she'd been begging for, and she was just SO happy, you know? And I'm there, trying to be present, trying to take pictures and listen to her friends scream, but my phone is basically glued to my hand, vibrating every five minutes with some new emergency ticket notification from work. My boss, our director actually, messaged me directly earlier, like 'hey, just monitoring the queue, let me know if anything pops up,' and I knew exactly what that meant, even though she phrased it like she was just being helpful. I mean, I'm the lead, so if something REALLY goes sideways, it's on me anyway, but to just *volunteer* to be on call for her when it's my kid's party? It just feels… ugh. And then I started getting these heart palpitations, like my chest was doing a little jig, and I remember telling myself it was just the caffeine, because I had like, three coffees this morning trying to get everything done before the party, and trying to convince myself that it was totally fine, just a bit of a jittery feeling, not anything serious. But it wasn't just caffeine, was it? It was the stress, the constant vigilance, the feeling like I could never truly disconnect, and I was just so ANGRY at myself for even doing it, for not just putting the damn phone away and saying 'nope, not today.' But then the thought creeps in, 'what if something really important happens?' and 'what if they think I'm not committed?' And it's this endless loop and I hate it. And so I spent a good chunk of her party, her *birthday party*, scrolling through tickets, trying to triage things, and smiling through gritted teeth while my daughter kept pulling on my shirt saying "Daddy, look at this!" and I'd nod and try to focus on her but my brain was still half-somewhere else, and now I'm lying here at 2am, wide awake, still feeling that fluttery thing in my chest, and just wondering what the hell I'm doing. Like, what's the end game here? Because it doesn't feel like I'm winning anything, it just feels like I'm losing moments, and I don't even know how to stop.