I've been going to this prayer group right... like after my whole pneumonia thing the doctor was all about community and getting back to normal you know after being so out of it for months. and honestly it felt good to finally be out of the house like not just for work calls from my couch but actually interacting with people. and everyone there is so sweet honestly they all brought casseroles and sent cards when I was sick it was really lovely. but the whole time I was laid up and just trying to breathe it was like I was constantly just… pleading. you know that feeling where you just lay there in the dark and you just whisper almost to yourself but not really because you're hoping *someone* is listening. like 'please just let me get through this' or 'just let me feel better' even 'just let me have one good day without that chest pain.' it was constant like a broken record playing inside my head all day all night. and then I went back to the prayer group and everyone was saying things like 'God answers prayers' and 'He has a plan for you' and 'look how far you've come.' and I just smiled and nodded and like tried to look grateful. because I *am* better obviously i'm not on oxygen anymore but it wasn't some miraculous overnight thing it was like weeks of really bad medicine and coughing up horrible stuff and just feeling absolutely miserable. and like my performance review is coming up and I'm still trying to catch up on everything I missed at work it's not like everything magically fixed itself. and now I go to these meetings and everyone is talking about how their prayers for like a parking spot or finding a lost key were answered and I just... can't. like I literally begged for weeks to just feel well again to not have this crushing fatigue to just be able to walk up the stairs without feeling like i'd run a marathon. and it just felt like nothing. crickets. just the sound of my own wheezing breath. is that... awful to say? does that mean i'm a bad person? it's not even like I lost my faith or anything it's just this really profound disconnect. like if my boss ignored every email I sent for weeks and then told me all the things I did wrong when I got back... that's like a clear performance issue right? but with this it's like I'm supposed to just be okay with it? I just don't understand where the feedback loop is supposed to be. like what was the variable here what did I miss? because I really don't get it.