you know sometimes you just feel like your body is betraying you and it’s like a really slow betrayal that you kinda see coming but you just can’t do anything about it and it’s been bugging me for a while now but it really hit me this week and i just kinda had to get it out like get it off my chest yknow so we were out at recess and it was a pretty nice day for november surprisingly and the kids were all hyped up and screaming like they do and a bunch of them started playing tag which is fine and usually i just kinda stand on the side and watch and make sure no one’s like tackling each other or whatever but this one kid little lily god bless her just came up to me and grabbed my hand and was like mr johnson play with us you’re never it and i was like oh um and she just pulled me right into the middle of it and then she tagged me and everyone started running and i was IT and immediately i felt it like you know that feeling when you just know you’re in trouble but you can’t back out and everyone’s watching and it’s like a hundred little eyes are just staring at you and i took off running but it was like running through mud and my legs just felt HEAVY and i could hear them laughing like a whole flock of magpies and i was trying to laugh too and make it seem like it was all part of the fun but inside i was just panicking my heart started POUNDING like a drum solo in my chest and my breath got all short and hitched and it was like i couldn't get enough air in my lungs and i was trying to catch someone like seriously trying but they were just so fast and i felt so slow and old and i could feel my face getting red and i just hoped they thought it was from exertion and not from like pure embarrassment and a little bit of fear yknow and then the chest pain started not like a heart attack pain but like a really tight uncomfortable squeeze and i had to stop and put my hands on my knees and i was just gasping and one of the kids came up to me and was like mr johnson are you okay you look like you’re gonna pop and i just tried to smile and i was like yeah just a little winded from all this running you guys are too fast for me and they all laughed and ran off again and i just kinda stood there trying to catch my breath and feeling like a complete failure it was just a stupid game of tag right but it just really got to me and i started thinking about my dad and how he’s been kinda fading lately and how my own kids are all grown up and have their own lives and it’s like i’m just in this weird spot where i’m still working and trying to keep up but my body is just like nah dude we’re done with that now and it’s kinda scary to think about what else is gonna just decide it’s done with me too and then later that day i was on the phone with my oldest son who’s like really into running marathons now and he was telling me about his new training schedule and how he’s gonna run another one next year and i just found myself making excuses why i couldn’t visit that weekend because i felt like i couldn’t even explain what happened without sounding pathetic and old and i just didn’t want to hear him offer advice or tell me to go to the doctor or whatever i just wanted to forget about it but i can’t forget about it and every time i see the kids playing tag now i just feel this little twinge in my chest and it’s like a reminder that time is just ticking away and you can’t outrun it no matter how hard you try and i just keep thinking about how much longer i can keep up this facade and if i’m gonna have to tell someone that i can’t even play a simple game of tag with 8 year olds anymore and it’s just making me feel really alone with all of this stuff and i don’t even know what to do about it anymore.