i dunno why im typing this out now maybe it’s bc i just got back from the grocery store and saw mr henderson from two doors down he was jogging and like waving and smiling and i just like smiled back but felt nothing it’s probably two am or something i really should be asleep i have an early class but i just like can’t tonight i used to just *be* an athlete you know like that was everything my whole thing since i was little it wasn’t just a hobby it was my identity like people knew me as the [insert sport] kid the one who was always training always practicing always winning then college happened and it was supposed to be bigger better more intense and it was for a while until the injury i still remember it exactly the sound the pop everything the way my leg just like gave out i knew instantly it was bad like REALLY bad and the doctors confirmed it eventually no more competing no more professional dreams done like that for weeks i was just numb i went through the motions i went to physical therapy i tried to act like it was fine but inside i was just broken everyone kept telling me it was a blessing in disguise that i could focus on school now and find a new passion like okay thanks for that advice but what if my passion was literally the thing i can’t do anymore my parents were great they were supportive but i could see the disappointment in their eyes too like i was supposed to be the one to make it big the one to put our town on the map now i’m just like a regular student walking around campus trying to figure out what i even like besides my sport and it’s hard because everything feels so bland compared to the adrenaline of competition i see my old teammates on social media still playing still winning and i just feel this huge pit in my stomach i try to be happy for them i really do but it just reminds me of what i lost and then like today with mr henderson jogging i just felt so pathetic like i used to be so strong so fast and now i just feel like an empty shell of who i used to be i tried to go for a run last week and my knee just started aching after like five minutes i had to stop and walk home feeling so stupid i just don’t know who i am anymore without it i keep trying to find something else but nothing feels right nothing makes me feel that same spark that same sense of purpose it’s like a piece of me is just gone forever and i don’t know how to get it back i just keep wondering like will i ever feel that intense joy again or am i just stuck being the guy who *used* to be good at something for the rest of my life it’s exhausting pretending to be okay when really i just feel this constant ache deep down in my bones