You know sometimes you just look at your life and wonder how you ended up here how you made all these choices and suddenly it’s not making sense anymore I guess that’s what happened to me this weekend it’s not a big deal but it’s been bothering me I was a bridesmaid for my childhood friend Beth her wedding was Saturday you know the big one the kind you see in magazines all white flowers everywhere it was beautiful she always wanted that kind of wedding a princess wedding and she got it I was there standing next to her in this godawful peach dress feeling like a parade float and I suddenly realized I hadn’t had a real conversation with her in years not since her engagement party at least and even then it was mostly about the venue and the caterer small talk you know the kind where you nod and smile and don’t really hear what the other person is saying The whole bridal party was made up of six women three on her side three on the groom’s and it hit me during the rehearsal dinner that she picked me because the numbers just worked out her sister her cousin and then me a kind of fill-in I guess to make it look even I remembered her saying something like ‘oh you just HAVE to be up there with me it wouldn’t be right without you’ but it felt so hollow even then a formality a duty and I just smiled and said of course anything for you Beth All weekend I kept trying to talk to her to catch her eye to say something meaningful you know like we used to when we were kids but she was always busy always had someone else pulling her away ‘bridesmaid duties’ she’d say with a laugh and I just stood there feeling like an extra like a prop for the pictures it felt a lot like being on deployment actually just following orders doing what you’re told not really connecting with anyone just getting through the day And then at the reception when everyone was dancing and laughing I saw her across the room she looked so happy so radiant and I thought about all those years we spent together building forts in the woods trading secrets under the covers and now she was a stranger a lovely stranger but a stranger nonetheless and I just felt this ache this heavy feeling in my chest not sadness exactly more like a deep disappointment a missed opportunity and I knew I had done something wrong too I hadn’t tried hard enough to stay in touch to keep the connection going I had just let it fade like everything else sometimes you just let things go and then you realize too late what you’ve lost