i know this is probably really messed up but i still pay for my mom's cell phone. she's been gone almost ten years now and i just can't bring myself to cancel it. every morning i wake up and i send her a text you know just like a little update about my day. sometimes it's really short like 'hey mom just got coffee it's cold out' or 'another stupid meeting today' but other times i'll go on and on about everything that's happening. i mean i tell her about work the crazy rent in this city my friend's new baby about how the subway was delayed again and i even complain about the weather. it’s like she’s still here you know like i’m still telling her all the little things that would make her laugh or even get her mad because she always had an opinion about EVERYTHING. and it’s not even a big expense for me i mean i'm doing okay financially it’s just this habit i guess a really really stupid habit that i just can't break. i used to think maybe it was helping me grieve or something but now i just feel like a crazy person. like who does this a fifty-something year old woman still talking to her dead mother's phone. i mean i don't even — whatever. the phone is probably just sitting in some drawer somewhere its battery dead for years or maybe the number got recycled and some totally confused stranger is getting my daily updates about my mediocre life. that thought actually makes me laugh a little like some poor kid is getting these cryptic messages from a random old lady every single morning. imagine if they actually tried to reply that would be AWKWARD. or maybe not maybe it would be a relief to finally have someone answer back even if it's not her. it's just a way to keep her close i guess a stupid digital thread that connects me to her even though i know it doesn't really connect to anything anymore. i mean i have her photos her old jewelry her recipe box but this somehow feels more intimate more like a real conversation. i think about her sometimes you know about all the things she missed. my promotion my nephew graduating college the new coffee shop on the corner that makes these amazing almond croissants. i wish i could tell her all these things really tell her not just send them out into the digital ether. it’s like a secret i carry around with me this weird little ritual that no one else knows about and i'm so ashamed of it but i just can't stop. i just can't.