I still pay for my moms phone bill. She’s been gone since last year but the number is still hers. It’s stupid I know. I’m a grown woman with a husband and kids in college and here I am... like a kid. Every month the bill comes and I pay it. $42.50. I don't even use the minutes. I just need to know the number is still hers. I don't tell my husband. He would say it is a waste of money we don't have. I keep her old phone in my nightstand drawer. It’s a cheap Samsung... the screen has a big crack across the bottom from when she dropped it at the market three years ago. I don't fix it. I just charge it sometimes to make sure it still turns on. When I see her face on the lock screen it makes my chest feel tight. She’s wearing that blue dress I bought her for Christmas. She hated that dress... said it was too fancy for a woman like her. But she wore it for the picture anyway because I asked. I’m back in school now to get a better degree. I’m almost fifty and I’m sitting in these classes with kids who are twenty. It’s embarrassing... I feel like a ghost. I text her about it every day after my night class. I tell her about the books I have to read. She didn't go to school past sixth grade back in the village... she worked the fields so I could come here. She would be so proud. Or maybe she’d tell me I’m wasting money on books... I don’t know. Sometimes I just text her what I cooked for dinner. Ma I made the stew today... I put too much salt like you always did. Or I tell her about her grandkids. My son is dating a girl she would have hated. She was always so picky about who we spent time with. She wanted us to be perfect... to be more American but also stay like her. It was too much and we fought all the time. I hated it when she was alive. Now I’d give anything to have her yell at me about my shoes being dirty in the house. My husband asks why the Verizon bill is so high every month. He’s a good man but he doesn't get it. He says we need to save for the house or retirement. I tell him it’s just taxes or some fee from the company. I lie right to his face. I feel bad but I can't stop. If I tell him he’ll say I’m being too much or that I need to let go. He doesn't understand that for us... for people like us... family doesn't just go away because they died. We carry them. It’s heavy but we carry them. Yesterday I had a really bad day at teh university. One of the young girls in my group made a joke about my accent. She didn't think I heard her. I went to the library and cried in the bathroom. I pulled out my phone and I typed a long message to Ma. I told her I wanted to quit. I told her I’m too old for this and my brain doesn't work right anymore. I hit send. The bubble stayed green. It always stays green. It never says "delivered" anymore because her phone is off in the drawer... but the system takes the message anyway. I remember when we first moved here. We had nothing. She worked three jobs just so I could have nice clothes for school. She used to clean offices at night. Her hands were always red and dry from the bleach and the soap. She never complained... she just said "Study hard so you don't have to clean floors like me." And now I’m studying. I’m a graduate student at fifty years old. I’m doing what she wanted... but she isn't here to see the graduation. It feels like a bad joke. I get scared sometimes. I think what if the phone company gives her number to someone else by accident? What if I miss a payment and the line goes dead? I check the auto-pay every week. It’s the most important thing in my life right now and that is so pathetic. My daughter is graduating from high school soon and I’m worried about a phone line for a dead woman.