You know sometimes you just do something really stupid, and I mean really, REALLY stupid, and you know it in the moment but you still do it, because well, because you do, right? And then later you think about it and it just gnaws at you, and you wonder if you’re the only one who ever thinks things like this, but I bet I’m not, I bet everyone has these thoughts, you know, these really awful thoughts, and then you just have to live with them. And it’s not even that I *did* anything, not really, but it was the *thought* and that’s almost worse, sometimes. Because out here, in a small town, everyone knows everyone, and everyone knows what you *think* you know, even if they don't *really* know, if that makes sense. And it was just that I was studying, not me really, but you know, like when you're in college and you're just studying for some big test or something, and I felt this sharp pain, right in my chest, and it wasn’t even that bad, just like a quick little jab, but my mind, you know how your mind just goes to the WORST place, even if you try to stop it? So I stopped everything and I just started looking up all these terrible illnesses, all the rare ones, the ones that just come out of nowhere and you’re gone, and I was so convinced, like really convinced, that this was it. That my time was running out. And it sounds crazy now, but in that moment, it felt so real, and I just kept scrolling and reading and seeing all these symptoms and I was like, “Yep, that’s me. And that one too. Oh God, and that.” And I just kept thinking about all the things I hadn’t done, all the things I should’ve done, all the people I should’ve talked to more, or helped, or just even smiled at, instead of being so busy all the time, and you know, just generally being kind of a stick-in-the-mud. And that’s the awful part, the really awful part. Because when you think your life is about to end, and you realize all the ways you’ve fallen short, and all the chances you missed to actually be a good person, or at least a better person… and you see all the good things you could have done and didn’t… well, it just really makes you wonder about yourself. And the pain, it went away, it was just a little thing, probably gas or something, but the feeling, that feeling of knowing I was thinking all those things because I was scared, and I just didn’t like what I saw in myself, that feeling stuck around. And I just don't know what to do with that now, you know? Like, what does that even mean, for a person to be like that? And how do you just… go on… after you’ve seen that about yourself? And it’s not like you can talk about it, not really. Not here. No one would understand. They’d just think you’re being dramatic, or looking for attention, and that’s not it at all. Not even close.