Sometimes you just… you know? Like you’re playing a part in a show you didn’t even audition for. And everyone else got the script way ahead of time, but you’re just making it up as you go along. That’s how it feels a lot of the time, especially lately. I’m doing this grad program, finally, after years of pushing it off, saving up, you know the drill. From a small town, always have been, probably always will be, everyone knows everyone, every single day, every day. You don’t get a lot of big opportunities out here, so I figured, okay, a degree, something to open doors, right? Something to… make a difference. And it’s fine, it’s mostly fine, the work is hard but I can do hard. But then you get invited to these fancy dinners (like real fancy, white tablecloths and like three different forks, you know?) and everyone’s so… effortless. This last one, god, this last one. I’m sitting there, trying to remember which fork to use for the salad, and everyone’s talking about their breaks. Their “jaunts,” they called them. Like, one person was going to Bali for a month, no big deal, just “recharging.” And someone else, oh, they were doing a ski trip in the Alps, apparently, because their family has a chalet there. A chalet! And then another one, she was just back from some kind of yoga retreat in Thailand, for like, two weeks. And I’m sitting there, trying to keep my face straight, trying to look interested, and all I can think about is that the last time I went anywhere for a week, it was to my aunt’s place in the next county over because her septic system backed up and she needed help, and even that felt like a huge thing, you know? Like, a major event in my year. It’s just… you work so hard. Every single day. You make choices, you sacrifice things (like actual money for food sometimes, not just a “jaunt” to Bali), you push and push and push. And then you’re in a room full of people who just… don’t have to think about any of that. It’s not even anger, really. It’s just this flat, dull ache. Like, is this what I’ve been working for? To feel like I’m still on the outside, looking in? Still watching the movie, still in the audience, even when I’m supposedly in the scene? What even is the point.