i just need to get this out cause im losing my mind over here and like i cant even tell my sister cause she’d just be like “well he’s YOUR dad” or whatever the hell else she’d say that makes me feel like shit for being stressed. it’s just… i started this new semester right and i thought i had it all figured out, like juggling school and work and making sure dad was okay with his meds. he has so many now right? like it’s not just one or two pills, it’s a whole damn rainbow of bottles like six times a day and he can’t remember any of it. not even close. so it’s all on me. and tonight. tonight was BAD. i was studying for this stupid stats exam right and my phone goes off. it’s the timer for his evening meds. i’d set it up cause i can’t be there all the time. so i call him and he answers and he’s just like “huh? what pills?” and my heart just dropped like a rock. i swear it hit my stomach. i was like “dad, your blood pressure pills! the ones for your heart!” and he just goes “oh. i already took em i think.” he THINKS. like what the actual FUCK does that mean. he took them or he didn't. so i’m like totally freaking out cause if he double-dosed… or what if he missed them and his pressure goes through the roof again. that’s what happened last time and i was alone with him when he collapsed and it was the SCARIEST thing ever. i still get nightmares about it. so i throw my books aside, jump in my car, and im SPEEDING over there right. it’s like a 20 minute drive and every red light feels like an hour. im picturing him passed out again or worse. my hands are shaking so bad i can barely hold the wheel. and i keep thinking what if i messed up the timer? what if i forgot to fill his pill box last night? like maybe it’s MY fault. because it always feels like if something goes wrong it’s cause i screwed up somewhere. even though i try so hard. i try so hard to get it all right. i finally get there and burst in and he’s just sitting in his recliner watching some old movie like nothing’s wrong. i almost screamed at him. i really did. i just went and looked at the pill box for tonight and it was empty. EMPTY. which means he did take them. he just forgot that he took them. and i felt this huge wave of relief but also this massive wave of ANGER. like how many times is this gonna happen? how many times am i gonna drop everything, risk my grades, risk my sanity, because he can’t remember what he did five minutes ago. it’s not fair. it’s just not fair. now im back home, trying to get my head back into these stats books but my brain is just mush. i can’t focus. i just keep staring at the clock, thinking about when his next dose is, setting a new alarm, triple checking everything. i feel so alone with this. my kids are grown and off doing their own thing, my sister is useless. and i just feel like one wrong move, one forgotten pill, and it’s all gonna blow up in my face. and i don’t know what i’m gonna do then. i really don’t. cause i can’t do this alone. i just can’t.